It has been quite awhile since I blogged. This could be blamed on many things but mostly just my laziness.
The Christmas season was again a beautiful one. One of the things that really began to hit home this year with me was traditions. Traditions were never a big part of my family's celebrating. We were a small family. Christmases were usually small and did not include more than 8 people and were really homey.
So, when starting to talk to Cade about important "Christmas" things that we did EVERY year, I really had to think for a bit. Our "important" stuff started just after Thanksgiving. My family didn't have a fancy tree. We did not have ornaments and a color scheme that all matched. Instead, my family Christmas tree included ornaments from my childhood, my sister, and then special ornaments to my parents. Each year, putting up ornaments was like walking through the past. I have angels on my tree from before I was born. I have all of my ornaments from when my grandmother china painted. Each of these ornaments is very special to me.
When Jody and I first got together, we bought a yearly ornament. We tried for a couple years to do a more "theme" tree because they are very pretty, but we went back to "our" tree. The sad part is Jody doesn't have ornaments from his childhood and that "specialness." That makes me sad. I realize every family has their own stories and traditions but I still wish Jody had some of his childhood ornaments.
Cade has gotten ornaments every year since he was born. We try and get him ones that have to do with whatever he is currently interested in. This year was a Charlie Brown ornament and also a robot ornament.
This morning we took our tree down. Jody could not believe that I had a history with almost every ornament on our tree. I remember when I got them, where I got them, how I got them and/or who gave them to me. That is a special thing to me. I can stop and think about that time in my life, say a prayer for that person or simply share a memory of something involving that ornament. Jody started challenging me to see if I really knew something about all of them and I did. It was kinda funny but really it just brought that sentimentality and specialness of Christmas ornaments for me.
Peace to all.
It's about alot more than green tea. Spiritual journeys are funny things. God comes to you in ways you never would have imagined and dwells in that place. This is my journey for health, prayer and happiness.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Pass the Bread Basket Please
This is the sermon I gave this morning. I told a couple people I would post it this afternoon.
So, pass the bread basket.
So, pass the bread basket.
This morning 30 thousand runners are starting the Rock n Roll Marathon in downtown San Antonio. In fact several from our church are among them including: Jennifer Feutz and Grant Lopez. These runners have been training for months in hopes of making their personal goal and to benefit Susan G Komen breast cancer. Training regimens are a big part of the runners getting to where they are. One major part of their training iscarb loading. They strategically load themselves with carbs to train their bodies to more effectively use the energy from carbs. Before big runs and marathons, they feast on meals with bread and pasta to get ready for the next day.
Bread. It is something we all enjoy. We sit down at restaurants to bread baskets. We munch on bread waiting for the meal to come. Even in this morning's Gospel, Jesus talks about bread. To put you in the place of this morning's Gospel let's move back to just before today's reading. Jesus performs the miracle of the feeding of the 5000. Jesus fills the bellies of these people and they are amazed. They search him out and when they locate him again are looking for more. Jesus quickly reminds the people that he is there for more than just providing the physical needs of their bellies. Jesus is not here to provide us with a physical meal. Jesus shares with them the story of God providing Manna through Moses in the desert. When the Israelites did not recognize the physical bread that God had given them to eat so also the people with Jesus would not recognize the spiritual bread that God would provide through Jesus. What the people with Jesus that day did not recognized was their that the hunger he came to feed was not gut hunger. Their hunger could not be filled by an all you can eat fish and bread meal. They were spiritually hungry.
What does it mean to be spiritually hungry? Spiritual hunger is a longing to be in the presence of God. We long to search for our meaning and long to reach out to God. We look for experiences that will bring us to that place. Being spiritually fed can happen in many different ways. Many times we don't understand it but when we do recognize it we sit in the presence of God.
And this brings us to this morning's Thank offering worship time. As Christians we are to give thanks for the blessings that we have received. We are to share those blessings with others with our whole heart. We are to give out of the love that God has given us.
Giving is something we often take for granted. When it comes to spiritual bread, many time[s] our giving is like filling ourselves with physical bread and not focusing on the spiritual part of our giving. We give out of convenience, we give because the time of the year is right. Many times we give out of our need to feel good. Some have said to “Give til it hurts” but that really has no meaning for us. Giving more of ourselves and giving til it hurts means that we write a bigger check, we give a little bit more.
Over my 10 years in ministry, I have had the opportunity many times to search out what I spiritually hungered for. I remember in the first year taking a group of high school youth to Hope House. These high school youth really just thought they were buying Christmas gifts for some underprivileged teens. Hope house is a teen mother halfway house in Hopkins Park Illinois. Hopkins Park is one of the poorest communities in the nation with half the population living under the poverty line. One of my teens was paired up with a 16 year old who wanted a real Barbie doll. The girl was confused and thought it was a little weird but she bought her a Barbie doll. When the time came for the Christmas gathering, she sat and heard the story. Her family was poor and they had always done the best to provide the best life possible for her. Most of her toys were from thrift stores and dollar stores. She had seen the commercials of little girls getting Barbie dolls and wanted to experience that happiness if only for a little while. What should have been just a simple gift became a meaningful connection between these two girls. Nicole left the experience realizing that she was very grateful to live in privilege. What was a simple Barbie doll had a great meaning that far outweighed anything we could have imagined.
Many times Youth Ministries participates in the same, if not very similar service projects year after year. These service projects benefit people around San Antonio and Texas and help the youth to understand helping others. What I sometimes overlook is that I can fall in a rut of not challenging myself as a Christian to take something different away. We find as Christians that we help the same people and give to the same charities because we get behind “their cause.” All of these “same” projects are beneficial but when we step out and try something new and step out and do something a little different, we can again be reminded that we are not just “tasting bread” but understanding that we are spiritually hungry for the “true bread from heaven” which helps us to understand what “give til it hurts” really means.
In September, the Confirmation and High School youth and I had a new “serving experience.” We signed up to do service hours at San Antonio Food bank. If you have never been there, it is an awe inspiring facility. The day we went we were assigned to their “Senior Care Division.” We had no idea what that meant really. We were taken with another group of volunteers to a conveyor belt. For the next 3 hours we would be packing boxes of food that would travel around South Texas. They would be given to seniors. They would last 2 weeks. They were packed with items such as cereal, canned veggies, meat and fruit, canned milk, 2 different juices, beans, rice and other assorted items tightly packed in this box. During those 3 hours of hard labor, we packed almost 1000 of these boxes. 970 bottles of grape juice passed through my hands. My feet hurt, my back hurt, my body was rejecting the thought of moving. It was hard work. It was difficult in that time to see the joy and blessings that we were experiencing. We just wanted it to be done with. Afterwards, we reflected. We understood that service projects were not all fun and games. We understood that we were not only serving the people that would get these boxes but also the countless employees and volunteers who make the food bank happen. Even though the service we had done hurt, we still could better appreciate what it took to make sure the underprivileged of South Texas could get food they so desperately needed. I remember going to church the next morning in pain. I remember thinking there is no way I will ever have them do this service project again because it is too hard. Then I realized that giving hurts sometimes.
Jesus is the bread of life. [He becomes bread for us by taking on human flesh and giving his life for us] This bread is not about the empty calories that we often fill ourselves with. This bread is not about giving without thought and feeling. [It comes to us by the grace of God] Just like the runners in this morning's marathon, if we do not use our bread effectively it will not fuel our bodies. If the runners do not eat and train in the correct way, the bread they eat is just empty calories. We shouldn't load ourselves with feel good things and empty calories. We as Christians should take heart in what our giving does and why we do it.
Many times we fall [back] into the laundry list of donations and charities we support. We have a list of places we give time to and list of places where we serve. By adding more to the list we are not “giving til it hurts,” we are not truly enjoying the bread from heaven. Having an understanding of the things that we take for granted and the blessings that we have helps us to fill ourselves with the true bread of life.
And this is where we find ourselves. Because we have been created in the image of God we hunger for something more. We hunger for something greater. That spiritual hunger for the “true bread from heaven” helps us to understand what “give til it hurts” really means. We begin to give, serve and live our Christian lives with a new found heart that has empathy for others, does not take for granted our blessings and serves not because we have to or should but because we are serving others for the Glory of God.
Bread. It is something we all enjoy. We sit down at restaurants to bread baskets. We munch on bread waiting for the meal to come. Even in this morning's Gospel, Jesus talks about bread. To put you in the place of this morning's Gospel let's move back to just before today's reading. Jesus performs the miracle of the feeding of the 5000. Jesus fills the bellies of these people and they are amazed. They search him out and when they locate him again are looking for more. Jesus quickly reminds the people that he is there for more than just providing the physical needs of their bellies. Jesus is not here to provide us with a physical meal. Jesus shares with them the story of God providing Manna through Moses in the desert. When the Israelites did not recognize the physical bread that God had given them to eat so also the people with Jesus would not recognize the spiritual bread that God would provide through Jesus. What the people with Jesus that day did not recognized was their that the hunger he came to feed was not gut hunger. Their hunger could not be filled by an all you can eat fish and bread meal. They were spiritually hungry.
What does it mean to be spiritually hungry? Spiritual hunger is a longing to be in the presence of God. We long to search for our meaning and long to reach out to God. We look for experiences that will bring us to that place. Being spiritually fed can happen in many different ways. Many times we don't understand it but when we do recognize it we sit in the presence of God.
And this brings us to this morning's Thank offering worship time. As Christians we are to give thanks for the blessings that we have received. We are to share those blessings with others with our whole heart. We are to give out of the love that God has given us.
Giving is something we often take for granted. When it comes to spiritual bread, many time[s] our giving is like filling ourselves with physical bread and not focusing on the spiritual part of our giving. We give out of convenience, we give because the time of the year is right. Many times we give out of our need to feel good. Some have said to “Give til it hurts” but that really has no meaning for us. Giving more of ourselves and giving til it hurts means that we write a bigger check, we give a little bit more.
Over my 10 years in ministry, I have had the opportunity many times to search out what I spiritually hungered for. I remember in the first year taking a group of high school youth to Hope House. These high school youth really just thought they were buying Christmas gifts for some underprivileged teens. Hope house is a teen mother halfway house in Hopkins Park Illinois. Hopkins Park is one of the poorest communities in the nation with half the population living under the poverty line. One of my teens was paired up with a 16 year old who wanted a real Barbie doll. The girl was confused and thought it was a little weird but she bought her a Barbie doll. When the time came for the Christmas gathering, she sat and heard the story. Her family was poor and they had always done the best to provide the best life possible for her. Most of her toys were from thrift stores and dollar stores. She had seen the commercials of little girls getting Barbie dolls and wanted to experience that happiness if only for a little while. What should have been just a simple gift became a meaningful connection between these two girls. Nicole left the experience realizing that she was very grateful to live in privilege. What was a simple Barbie doll had a great meaning that far outweighed anything we could have imagined.
Many times Youth Ministries participates in the same, if not very similar service projects year after year. These service projects benefit people around San Antonio and Texas and help the youth to understand helping others. What I sometimes overlook is that I can fall in a rut of not challenging myself as a Christian to take something different away. We find as Christians that we help the same people and give to the same charities because we get behind “their cause.” All of these “same” projects are beneficial but when we step out and try something new and step out and do something a little different, we can again be reminded that we are not just “tasting bread” but understanding that we are spiritually hungry for the “true bread from heaven” which helps us to understand what “give til it hurts” really means.
In September, the Confirmation and High School youth and I had a new “serving experience.” We signed up to do service hours at San Antonio Food bank. If you have never been there, it is an awe inspiring facility. The day we went we were assigned to their “Senior Care Division.” We had no idea what that meant really. We were taken with another group of volunteers to a conveyor belt. For the next 3 hours we would be packing boxes of food that would travel around South Texas. They would be given to seniors. They would last 2 weeks. They were packed with items such as cereal, canned veggies, meat and fruit, canned milk, 2 different juices, beans, rice and other assorted items tightly packed in this box. During those 3 hours of hard labor, we packed almost 1000 of these boxes. 970 bottles of grape juice passed through my hands. My feet hurt, my back hurt, my body was rejecting the thought of moving. It was hard work. It was difficult in that time to see the joy and blessings that we were experiencing. We just wanted it to be done with. Afterwards, we reflected. We understood that service projects were not all fun and games. We understood that we were not only serving the people that would get these boxes but also the countless employees and volunteers who make the food bank happen. Even though the service we had done hurt, we still could better appreciate what it took to make sure the underprivileged of South Texas could get food they so desperately needed. I remember going to church the next morning in pain. I remember thinking there is no way I will ever have them do this service project again because it is too hard. Then I realized that giving hurts sometimes.
Jesus is the bread of life. [He becomes bread for us by taking on human flesh and giving his life for us] This bread is not about the empty calories that we often fill ourselves with. This bread is not about giving without thought and feeling. [It comes to us by the grace of God] Just like the runners in this morning's marathon, if we do not use our bread effectively it will not fuel our bodies. If the runners do not eat and train in the correct way, the bread they eat is just empty calories. We shouldn't load ourselves with feel good things and empty calories. We as Christians should take heart in what our giving does and why we do it.
Many times we fall [back] into the laundry list of donations and charities we support. We have a list of places we give time to and list of places where we serve. By adding more to the list we are not “giving til it hurts,” we are not truly enjoying the bread from heaven. Having an understanding of the things that we take for granted and the blessings that we have helps us to fill ourselves with the true bread of life.
And this is where we find ourselves. Because we have been created in the image of God we hunger for something more. We hunger for something greater. That spiritual hunger for the “true bread from heaven” helps us to understand what “give til it hurts” really means. We begin to give, serve and live our Christian lives with a new found heart that has empathy for others, does not take for granted our blessings and serves not because we have to or should but because we are serving others for the Glory of God.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Reflections on a Vacation
So as many of you who are following the goings on in my life know, I spent October 18-20 at a camp. Church workers were invited out to Camp Eagle outside of Rock Springs for a 3 day retreat. You could take part in as much or as little of the programming that you wanted.
It is not often that you get the chance to leave reality and go hang out at camp for free. I had been looking for a way to take some vacation time to just relax and be quiet. I really planned to do nothing. I wanted quiet meditation with God in a beautiful setting.
I arrived and went on a tour. I quickly realized that this was not going to be quiet relaxation or meditation. And that was ok. I felt this need and desire to try things and do activities and getting into the action while still having some wonderful meditation.
Day 2 started with a walk over to breakfast and hearing a powerful story about the director taking a leap of faith in making Camp Eagle what it is today.
After breakfast, I did it. I had wanted to do it for awhile and I ziplined. You can read about that experience previously. The rest of the day was spent exploring and seeing what all this camp had to offer.
Camp, for me, is about experiencing God in a very different way. Mostlly for me, camp has always been about comfort and peace. Camp has been about staying in your comfort zone and being happy with that. This week was much different for me. Going somewhere new is always fun but this was much more than that.
Where I am quite comfortable at camps that I will always love. I grew up at places like Chrysalis and Lutherhill. They helped to define me as a person, as a Christian, as a youth worker. Ebert has been an awesome new experience for me that is just a totally different camp experience.
Now, I have a new place that has shown me that it is ok to step out of my comfort zone. It is ok to try new things. I planned on doing ABSOLUTELY nothing at this camp but relax. I did. It was not the relaxation I expected. God had other plans.
On the last morning, I was supposed to attend "Cave Church." I knew nothing about the experience except it was a mile away, it was dark and it was dirty. I kept an open mind and thought I would try. This was when God again let me know what I needed to do. I finished the hike with my companions to the Cave Church and there it was in front of me. I am claustrophobic. In the ground before us was a hole that was probably about 3 ft across. I was supposed to climb into it to a room about the size of my living room but only 6 and a half ft tall. I said no.
I didn't go into the hole and was very satisfied with my decision. While my companions climbed into the cave and had worship, I had the quiet time I needed. It was a wonderful time to reflect on my time at this place. I had a view of half of the campsite. I sat there and thought about facing fears and knowing my limitations. I praised God for the experience that was so rewarding.
That 30 minutes or so gave me the time to do what I needed to do to come to terms with not going down the hole. I was grateful for the time and renewal.
As we began to walk back, I was tired. When you are not used to hiking a mile and you are not in shape to hike a mile, it can be difficult. We went an "easier" route and not straight back up the hill. THANK GOD! We came back around the side of the hill which gave us a final walk around the camp. This was nice because again I was able to reflect the things I had done and experiences I had.
God works in mysterious ways. I thought I needed a time to relax and spend time in the presence of God. What I really needed was a time to step out of my comfort zone and be challenged and try new things while in the presence of God.
AMEN.
It is not often that you get the chance to leave reality and go hang out at camp for free. I had been looking for a way to take some vacation time to just relax and be quiet. I really planned to do nothing. I wanted quiet meditation with God in a beautiful setting.
I arrived and went on a tour. I quickly realized that this was not going to be quiet relaxation or meditation. And that was ok. I felt this need and desire to try things and do activities and getting into the action while still having some wonderful meditation.
Day 2 started with a walk over to breakfast and hearing a powerful story about the director taking a leap of faith in making Camp Eagle what it is today.
After breakfast, I did it. I had wanted to do it for awhile and I ziplined. You can read about that experience previously. The rest of the day was spent exploring and seeing what all this camp had to offer.
Camp, for me, is about experiencing God in a very different way. Mostlly for me, camp has always been about comfort and peace. Camp has been about staying in your comfort zone and being happy with that. This week was much different for me. Going somewhere new is always fun but this was much more than that.
Where I am quite comfortable at camps that I will always love. I grew up at places like Chrysalis and Lutherhill. They helped to define me as a person, as a Christian, as a youth worker. Ebert has been an awesome new experience for me that is just a totally different camp experience.
Now, I have a new place that has shown me that it is ok to step out of my comfort zone. It is ok to try new things. I planned on doing ABSOLUTELY nothing at this camp but relax. I did. It was not the relaxation I expected. God had other plans.
On the last morning, I was supposed to attend "Cave Church." I knew nothing about the experience except it was a mile away, it was dark and it was dirty. I kept an open mind and thought I would try. This was when God again let me know what I needed to do. I finished the hike with my companions to the Cave Church and there it was in front of me. I am claustrophobic. In the ground before us was a hole that was probably about 3 ft across. I was supposed to climb into it to a room about the size of my living room but only 6 and a half ft tall. I said no.
I didn't go into the hole and was very satisfied with my decision. While my companions climbed into the cave and had worship, I had the quiet time I needed. It was a wonderful time to reflect on my time at this place. I had a view of half of the campsite. I sat there and thought about facing fears and knowing my limitations. I praised God for the experience that was so rewarding.
That 30 minutes or so gave me the time to do what I needed to do to come to terms with not going down the hole. I was grateful for the time and renewal.
As we began to walk back, I was tired. When you are not used to hiking a mile and you are not in shape to hike a mile, it can be difficult. We went an "easier" route and not straight back up the hill. THANK GOD! We came back around the side of the hill which gave us a final walk around the camp. This was nice because again I was able to reflect the things I had done and experiences I had.
God works in mysterious ways. I thought I needed a time to relax and spend time in the presence of God. What I really needed was a time to step out of my comfort zone and be challenged and try new things while in the presence of God.
AMEN.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Facing your fears
I am terrified of the loss of control. I realize that God is in control. I realize that my view of control is only an illusion. I have to get that out of the way.
This loss of control fear has led me to other fears like heights, riding horses, roller coasters. These things just do not excite me. I can admit that wholly and completely.
For 10 years now, since I have been in ministry, I have avoided high ropes like the plague. I just frankly did not want to do it. 2 years ago, when I was at Youth Ministry Certification School, I decided I needed to try it. I climbed a 40 ft rock wall. It was horrible. It really was not so much horrible as just really not a comfortable way of facing my fear. I put faith in alot of people and made it.
After climbing, was supposed climb the platform and zip line down. I couldn't do it. It took so much adrenaline to climb the wall that I just physically spent. I climbed back down.
I found great satisfaction in climbing the wall and what that meant in facing my fears. Right after doing it, I really did not enjoy it but really look back at the experience fondly. But, I didn't zipline.
Quite a different experience, but I had the opportunity to zipline this morning while I am at a retreat. The circumstances were a bit different. I climbed a 15 foot ladder and zip lined. The zip line went down about a 50 foot hill.
I almost chickened out. I got up there and froze. I didn't want to step off. I knew how much adrenaline I had used to get to that point and didn't want to do it. I had 40 strangers surrounding me in cheers and prayers. That was an interesting feeling. Everyone kept saying stepping off was the hardest part. Yeah, that was almost more than I could handle.
Someone else said it was exhilirating. I am not sure yet if exhilirating was the word. I was too tense. I am proud of myself for taking that step over the edge. I didn't want to. I have to admit that. In those brief moments before I went, I totally went into my own world. I felt at peace with going. I don't think there is any other way to describe it than that. I was at peace. I knew that I was ok. I knew that nothing would happen to me. I don't think I ever got "relaxed," but I did let go of the death grip on the rope.
We heard this morning of the story of this camp I am at. Throughout the history of Camp Eagle, the director had to take extreme leaps of faith. He continually put his trust and life in God's hands and God provided. I think I felt that this morning. At the moment I gave up, it was almost as if I could hear God say, "It's ok. I have you."
In time, I will look back and say that I enjoyed it. In time I will reflect fondly on the experience. For now, I will know that I am one step closer to being able to say, "Yes God, you have total control of me." I will embrace it and live it with my whole heart.
This loss of control fear has led me to other fears like heights, riding horses, roller coasters. These things just do not excite me. I can admit that wholly and completely.
For 10 years now, since I have been in ministry, I have avoided high ropes like the plague. I just frankly did not want to do it. 2 years ago, when I was at Youth Ministry Certification School, I decided I needed to try it. I climbed a 40 ft rock wall. It was horrible. It really was not so much horrible as just really not a comfortable way of facing my fear. I put faith in alot of people and made it.
After climbing, was supposed climb the platform and zip line down. I couldn't do it. It took so much adrenaline to climb the wall that I just physically spent. I climbed back down.
I found great satisfaction in climbing the wall and what that meant in facing my fears. Right after doing it, I really did not enjoy it but really look back at the experience fondly. But, I didn't zipline.
Quite a different experience, but I had the opportunity to zipline this morning while I am at a retreat. The circumstances were a bit different. I climbed a 15 foot ladder and zip lined. The zip line went down about a 50 foot hill.
I almost chickened out. I got up there and froze. I didn't want to step off. I knew how much adrenaline I had used to get to that point and didn't want to do it. I had 40 strangers surrounding me in cheers and prayers. That was an interesting feeling. Everyone kept saying stepping off was the hardest part. Yeah, that was almost more than I could handle.
Someone else said it was exhilirating. I am not sure yet if exhilirating was the word. I was too tense. I am proud of myself for taking that step over the edge. I didn't want to. I have to admit that. In those brief moments before I went, I totally went into my own world. I felt at peace with going. I don't think there is any other way to describe it than that. I was at peace. I knew that I was ok. I knew that nothing would happen to me. I don't think I ever got "relaxed," but I did let go of the death grip on the rope.
We heard this morning of the story of this camp I am at. Throughout the history of Camp Eagle, the director had to take extreme leaps of faith. He continually put his trust and life in God's hands and God provided. I think I felt that this morning. At the moment I gave up, it was almost as if I could hear God say, "It's ok. I have you."
In time, I will look back and say that I enjoyed it. In time I will reflect fondly on the experience. For now, I will know that I am one step closer to being able to say, "Yes God, you have total control of me." I will embrace it and live it with my whole heart.
Quiet is a cool thing
Silence is a funny thing. Many run from it. Most don’t understand it. This week, Monday-Wednesday, I am having my own personal time of silence. I am at Camp Eagle outside of Rock Springs. They invited church workers to come and stay for 3 days. You could participate in as little or as much of their programming as you wanted.
When considering going, I realized that I would not know anybody and would not want to participate in many of the activities (rock climbing and rappelling) so I decided this would be a wonderful reflective time for me. It is not often that you get to escape from the hectic nature of the world and responsibilities to be quiet.
The funny thing is, much around me is not quiet. Other churches brought their “teams” of staff to plan and retreat together. Couples came for alone time. There is always music playing at this camp (at least today). In the midst of the noise, I found the calm.
Sitting in the coffee shop this afternoon (yes they have a coffee shop on site?), there were a bunch of people playing games and chatting about who knows what. There I sat at my table with my Chai Latte and prayed. I found the silence amidst the noise. That is not in my nature. It is not in my nature to not join in to conversation and be a part of the group. It is kinda funny -- my cabin mates were concerned that they would be too noisy for me. They all came from the same church and are quite chatty. Still there was a quietness amidst the chatter.
That quietness is where I find God. Searching amongst the noise to find peace is right where God is lurking for me. Being able to separate myself from whatever is going on around me helps me to experience the presence of God.
Camp has always been a place for me to find God. It doesn’t matter what camp specifically, but just to sit amongst creation without cell phone coverage-- God is there. You appreciate creation so much more when you can separate yourself from the noise. Too many times though we find ourself involved in the noise… consumed by the noise.
Be still and know that I am God -- it is so easy to say but it is much more difficult to do.
AMEN
When considering going, I realized that I would not know anybody and would not want to participate in many of the activities (rock climbing and rappelling) so I decided this would be a wonderful reflective time for me. It is not often that you get to escape from the hectic nature of the world and responsibilities to be quiet.
The funny thing is, much around me is not quiet. Other churches brought their “teams” of staff to plan and retreat together. Couples came for alone time. There is always music playing at this camp (at least today). In the midst of the noise, I found the calm.
Sitting in the coffee shop this afternoon (yes they have a coffee shop on site?), there were a bunch of people playing games and chatting about who knows what. There I sat at my table with my Chai Latte and prayed. I found the silence amidst the noise. That is not in my nature. It is not in my nature to not join in to conversation and be a part of the group. It is kinda funny -- my cabin mates were concerned that they would be too noisy for me. They all came from the same church and are quite chatty. Still there was a quietness amidst the chatter.
That quietness is where I find God. Searching amongst the noise to find peace is right where God is lurking for me. Being able to separate myself from whatever is going on around me helps me to experience the presence of God.
Camp has always been a place for me to find God. It doesn’t matter what camp specifically, but just to sit amongst creation without cell phone coverage-- God is there. You appreciate creation so much more when you can separate yourself from the noise. Too many times though we find ourself involved in the noise… consumed by the noise.
Be still and know that I am God -- it is so easy to say but it is much more difficult to do.
AMEN
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
When things get back to normal...
It is hard to believe that it has been almost a month since my last blog. This month has been busy, focused, unfocused, chaotic, driven... and a whole lots more all rolled into one.
When our lives get turned upside down or don't go the way we planned, we find ourselves saying, "When things get back to normal..." "When life slows down...." "When I got caught up ... "
I have found myself saying these things alot through my life. This made me start thinking, what is normal? I think everyone has their own definition of normal. Normal is pretty much a subjective thing.
I look back at the last year as an interesting view of normal. One year ago I started blogging. (just about a year ago from today). One year ago I started really focusing on some spiritual places in my life that needed work. The last year, like most of the other years of my life, have involved ups, downs, ins, outs, sickness health, richer, poorer. I would say it has been a pretty "normal" year. So why do I keep saying, "When things get back to normal..."
This also started me thinking about my comfort zone. I like when all things fall into place. Don't we all? I like when everything works out. That is normal, right? We don't like for our boats to be rocked. But they are. Time and time again, when we think we have it all together it all falls apart. When we are travelling safely and securely on one path, that path all of a sudden splits off into seven.
Through all of this, I have decided that being "normal" is not worth it. If we had normal, would we recognize it? If we caught up, would we not just have a whole other pile of work to catch up on? When we do find ourselves in a place of comfort, is that not usually when we realize we are not comfortable anymore?
So today I pray for my uncomfortable, not normal, crazy mixed up self that I am. I am not normal and I don't really think I want to be.
:)
When our lives get turned upside down or don't go the way we planned, we find ourselves saying, "When things get back to normal..." "When life slows down...." "When I got caught up ... "
I have found myself saying these things alot through my life. This made me start thinking, what is normal? I think everyone has their own definition of normal. Normal is pretty much a subjective thing.
I look back at the last year as an interesting view of normal. One year ago I started blogging. (just about a year ago from today). One year ago I started really focusing on some spiritual places in my life that needed work. The last year, like most of the other years of my life, have involved ups, downs, ins, outs, sickness health, richer, poorer. I would say it has been a pretty "normal" year. So why do I keep saying, "When things get back to normal..."
This also started me thinking about my comfort zone. I like when all things fall into place. Don't we all? I like when everything works out. That is normal, right? We don't like for our boats to be rocked. But they are. Time and time again, when we think we have it all together it all falls apart. When we are travelling safely and securely on one path, that path all of a sudden splits off into seven.
Through all of this, I have decided that being "normal" is not worth it. If we had normal, would we recognize it? If we caught up, would we not just have a whole other pile of work to catch up on? When we do find ourselves in a place of comfort, is that not usually when we realize we are not comfortable anymore?
So today I pray for my uncomfortable, not normal, crazy mixed up self that I am. I am not normal and I don't really think I want to be.
:)
Friday, August 27, 2010
As luck would have it.
I don't think I am a lucky person. I don't particularly think I am unlucky, but maybe more that I just don't usually concern myself with luck one way or the other.
This thought came up when today I won a $50 gift card to Amazon. I completed a youth ministry survey with Spark (yes, I completed a survey). They gave 5 Amazon gift cards away and I won one? How cool is that?
Earlier this year, my friend who makes beautiful handmade Waldorf style dolls and sells them on etsy http://www.etsy.com/shop/imogensgarden . On her blog here on Blogger, she hosted a giveaway of one of her beautiful dolls. I posted my favorite flower and why on her blog and was randomly chosen as the winner. Linnea sits in a special place in my house on my devotional shelf. (Cade even plays with her every now and then even though he is a boy and won't admit it.)
Even earlier this year, March, I was the 3000th fan on Facebook for Greenling.com. Greenling is a fabulous food delivery place that delivers local veggies as well as local meats and other fabulous organic goodies. Check them out at http://www.greenling.com/
I don't try to win things. The things that I have "entered" this year are things I believe strongly in. Greenling is an awesome resource to get great groceries to your door. They are organic and go local when possible. How awesome!
Anna is a friend from college and her dolls speak for themselves. When she gets one made it IMMEDIATELY flies off her etsy page. I am already eyeing her page for when she releases a little boy doll with a mohawk. Cade is sure he needs one of those.
And, Spark was working on letting potential customers know about their new curriculum for youth. I am not totally happy with our current curriculum and will definitely be checking out their options.
But back to this luck thing...
What makes a person lucky? Can a person be lucky? I don't think I believe in luck. Winning is not really a big deal (but it does feel really cool). It actually made me think of a story in the Bible--
Luke 8: 42 - 48 As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. 43And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years,[d] but no one could heal her. 44She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.
This thought came up when today I won a $50 gift card to Amazon. I completed a youth ministry survey with Spark (yes, I completed a survey). They gave 5 Amazon gift cards away and I won one? How cool is that?
Earlier this year, my friend who makes beautiful handmade Waldorf style dolls and sells them on etsy http://www.etsy.com/shop/imogensgarden . On her blog here on Blogger, she hosted a giveaway of one of her beautiful dolls. I posted my favorite flower and why on her blog and was randomly chosen as the winner. Linnea sits in a special place in my house on my devotional shelf. (Cade even plays with her every now and then even though he is a boy and won't admit it.)
Even earlier this year, March, I was the 3000th fan on Facebook for Greenling.com. Greenling is a fabulous food delivery place that delivers local veggies as well as local meats and other fabulous organic goodies. Check them out at http://www.greenling.com/
I don't try to win things. The things that I have "entered" this year are things I believe strongly in. Greenling is an awesome resource to get great groceries to your door. They are organic and go local when possible. How awesome!
Anna is a friend from college and her dolls speak for themselves. When she gets one made it IMMEDIATELY flies off her etsy page. I am already eyeing her page for when she releases a little boy doll with a mohawk. Cade is sure he needs one of those.
And, Spark was working on letting potential customers know about their new curriculum for youth. I am not totally happy with our current curriculum and will definitely be checking out their options.
But back to this luck thing...
What makes a person lucky? Can a person be lucky? I don't think I believe in luck. Winning is not really a big deal (but it does feel really cool). It actually made me think of a story in the Bible--
Luke 8: 42 - 48 As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. 43And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years,[d] but no one could heal her. 44She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.
45"Who touched me?" Jesus asked.
When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."
46But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."
47Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. 48Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."
My faith in God goes far beyond whatever luck may be in my life. I think this whole letting go part of me that I am going through has led me to just further understand this fact.
Way beyond any contest anyone ever wins is a simple question -- what do I believe in? Who do I trust? What is important to me? In my heart of hearts, I can most certainly answer those questions.
Is it cool to win things? Yes, of course. The things I have won have had no risk involved and that is cool. Is it even cooler to know who I am and what I believe in? Most definitely.
So what do I need to buy from Amazon?
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Defying Gravity
I am a fan of Glee. You could say it is one of my guilty pleasures. A couple months ago, Jody bought me one of the soundtracks. It has a song from Wicked musical, Defying Gravity.
The song has become very relevant recently. The first verse REALLY hits the nail on the head:
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
I am a people pleaser. I exist to make people happy. I feel accomplished by constantly fixing things. There has come a point this year especially, that I realize this is not healthy for me. It is not always easy to deny but it is a major change in who I am. I have usually sacrificed so much of me to keep the rest of the world happy. This is not a good thing.
Admitting this to myself is a huge step. Even more than this step, I am slowly realizing that I can not always fix things. I can't make everyone like me. I can't even make everyone happy.
That sucks. The ego part of me wants to fix it. The ego part of me wants to do what the ego part does.
This is truly a leap of faith for me. Coming to a place within myself, within who I truly am that can say, I am not always in control of fixing things is scary. It is a daily learning for me.
But why do we do this? Why do we come to a point where we are sacrificing our needs to make other people happy? I wish I had the answer. I wish there was an easy fix. I spend daily time in prayer to better understand why I need to change in this.
What I currently know is that
1. God is in control. God is and will always be God and I am not.
2. I can't make everyone happy.
3. I can't always fix things.
and that is ok
It's time to try defying gravity. Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity. I think I'll try defying gravity and you won't bring me down.
The song has become very relevant recently. The first verse REALLY hits the nail on the head:
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
I am a people pleaser. I exist to make people happy. I feel accomplished by constantly fixing things. There has come a point this year especially, that I realize this is not healthy for me. It is not always easy to deny but it is a major change in who I am. I have usually sacrificed so much of me to keep the rest of the world happy. This is not a good thing.
Admitting this to myself is a huge step. Even more than this step, I am slowly realizing that I can not always fix things. I can't make everyone like me. I can't even make everyone happy.
That sucks. The ego part of me wants to fix it. The ego part of me wants to do what the ego part does.
This is truly a leap of faith for me. Coming to a place within myself, within who I truly am that can say, I am not always in control of fixing things is scary. It is a daily learning for me.
But why do we do this? Why do we come to a point where we are sacrificing our needs to make other people happy? I wish I had the answer. I wish there was an easy fix. I spend daily time in prayer to better understand why I need to change in this.
What I currently know is that
1. God is in control. God is and will always be God and I am not.
2. I can't make everyone happy.
3. I can't always fix things.
and that is ok
It's time to try defying gravity. Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity. I think I'll try defying gravity and you won't bring me down.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
It was HOT today
Ok, this summer has not been a hot one as a whole. Texas has had a mild summer which is definitely a welcomed change in the grand scheme of things. This afternoon, I stood outside and sorted through somebody from church's stuff that they were getting rid of. I was in the garage for about 2 hours and it was HOT. By the time I got home I was very thirsty. I drank about half a gallon of water. I could not drink fast enough.
Thirst is a funny thing. Often times when we find ourselves thirsty, we grab the closest thing possible. I am not sure it always quenches our thirst.
I just started a book about thirst. It is not thirst like you quench with liquid. It is a thirst for God. We all thirst for something. We all find a void that must be filled with something.
Too often in my life, I have filled that void with the wrong things. Too often I have found whatever I am filling that void with does not quench my thirst. Sometimes it even does the contrary. Many times whatever we "fill" our thirst will make us thirstier.
For the past few months, I have found myself parched. I am not sure I understood it. I am not sure I wanted to even admit it. Admitting that you are not as close as you want to be with God is disheartening. Jesus tells of the Samaritan woman at the well. Jesus says that he provides the water to quench her thirst. She says well give it to me so I don't have to keep coming back to the well everyday.
We want the easy answer. We want the thirst to be filled instantly. We of course don't want to work to quench that thirst. All we have to do is drink some Gatorade, right?
The thing I constantly need to be reminded of is that my thirst needs to be quenched daily. Daily I return to God to spend time in God's presence. Daily I am reminded that that time truly fills me.
AMEN
Thirst is a funny thing. Often times when we find ourselves thirsty, we grab the closest thing possible. I am not sure it always quenches our thirst.
I just started a book about thirst. It is not thirst like you quench with liquid. It is a thirst for God. We all thirst for something. We all find a void that must be filled with something.
Too often in my life, I have filled that void with the wrong things. Too often I have found whatever I am filling that void with does not quench my thirst. Sometimes it even does the contrary. Many times whatever we "fill" our thirst will make us thirstier.
For the past few months, I have found myself parched. I am not sure I understood it. I am not sure I wanted to even admit it. Admitting that you are not as close as you want to be with God is disheartening. Jesus tells of the Samaritan woman at the well. Jesus says that he provides the water to quench her thirst. She says well give it to me so I don't have to keep coming back to the well everyday.
We want the easy answer. We want the thirst to be filled instantly. We of course don't want to work to quench that thirst. All we have to do is drink some Gatorade, right?
The thing I constantly need to be reminded of is that my thirst needs to be quenched daily. Daily I return to God to spend time in God's presence. Daily I am reminded that that time truly fills me.
AMEN
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Appearances are funny things
I just returned from an awesome week at camp. Most weeks that I get to get away from the world and have bonding time with my youth groups are awesome, really but this one was even better.
Ebert Ranch is a phenomenal place. It is a camp unlike alot that I have been to in that it is small (only 50 campers or so). They focus alot of their activities around "ranch life" and the different elements that go into that lifestyle. Campers spend time with horses, feed chickens, tend to a garden and even get to see longhorns.
I have to admit the first time I met Big, Ruff, Tuff and Peaches I was taken aback. It is not often that you get to see longhorns from so close. I am sure the longhorns have an interesting purpose at camp, but to the campers, they are just there for photo op moments.
There is a lot of history to where Tuff currently is that I don't want to get wrong. Shortened version -- a Herford bull managed to find its way on to Ebert's site and joined the herd. They had no idea where it came from but it was there. Dinner (yes that was the affectionate name for him) fought Tuff for leadership roll in the herd and consequently Tuff now has one horn.
This is where appearances come in.
When we drove onto site, we saw a horn lying by the stable and wondered where it had come from. Tuff was not with the other longhorns as he had been recuperating in one of the horse fields for a few days. Tuff looked funny. He was jokingly called the unihorn. He was a bit lop sided.
Tuff rejoined the herd and regained his place. The other longhorns didn't look at him as if something was wrong. The other longhorns didn't laugh. Maybe they were in their language, but OBVIOUSLY Tuff now looks very different. Tuff is not the same longhorn he was 3 weeks ago.
It really made me consider how I view appearance and how I view weakness. So much of life, we worry how others will see us and view us. It is always interesting to watch junior high girls freaking out the first day of camp because they don't have their straightener. That is the end of the world. Also, watching the big tough junior high guys that by the end of the week are singing silly songs and dancing silly dances. Camp gives kids the opportunities to not worry about appearances, shedding all the supposed masks that we put on around others.
And weaknesses...as a whole, we don't want others to see us as weak. We put on this armor of strength. We build ourselves up as strong individuals that will never crack and definitely will never fail. The thing is, many times, we get broken down to our weakest and most vulnerable. We don't let others see that.
Tuff showed me a whole new way of the world this last week. Even in the midst of adversity, in the essence of weakness, while carrying a burden (that made a 35 pound difference), Tuff rejoined the herd. Now yes, I realize that cows don't do things the way we do them. I know we our own worst enemy.
Tuff will never be the same longhorn. So what. Tuff may be the brunt of many jokes for many years. Tuff may always look a little lopsided. They may even make Ebert Ranch games around Tuff (pin the horn on the longhorn). Tuff has a pretty heavy load to bear. Each of those horns probably weighs 35 pounds. That is 35 pounds worth of burden.
Through all of my weaknesses and failures, through all of my adversities, may I be able to hold my head high and not fall.
AMEN
Tuff before
Ebert Ranch is a phenomenal place. It is a camp unlike alot that I have been to in that it is small (only 50 campers or so). They focus alot of their activities around "ranch life" and the different elements that go into that lifestyle. Campers spend time with horses, feed chickens, tend to a garden and even get to see longhorns.
I have to admit the first time I met Big, Ruff, Tuff and Peaches I was taken aback. It is not often that you get to see longhorns from so close. I am sure the longhorns have an interesting purpose at camp, but to the campers, they are just there for photo op moments.
There is a lot of history to where Tuff currently is that I don't want to get wrong. Shortened version -- a Herford bull managed to find its way on to Ebert's site and joined the herd. They had no idea where it came from but it was there. Dinner (yes that was the affectionate name for him) fought Tuff for leadership roll in the herd and consequently Tuff now has one horn.
This is where appearances come in.
When we drove onto site, we saw a horn lying by the stable and wondered where it had come from. Tuff was not with the other longhorns as he had been recuperating in one of the horse fields for a few days. Tuff looked funny. He was jokingly called the unihorn. He was a bit lop sided.
Tuff rejoined the herd and regained his place. The other longhorns didn't look at him as if something was wrong. The other longhorns didn't laugh. Maybe they were in their language, but OBVIOUSLY Tuff now looks very different. Tuff is not the same longhorn he was 3 weeks ago.
It really made me consider how I view appearance and how I view weakness. So much of life, we worry how others will see us and view us. It is always interesting to watch junior high girls freaking out the first day of camp because they don't have their straightener. That is the end of the world. Also, watching the big tough junior high guys that by the end of the week are singing silly songs and dancing silly dances. Camp gives kids the opportunities to not worry about appearances, shedding all the supposed masks that we put on around others.
And weaknesses...as a whole, we don't want others to see us as weak. We put on this armor of strength. We build ourselves up as strong individuals that will never crack and definitely will never fail. The thing is, many times, we get broken down to our weakest and most vulnerable. We don't let others see that.
Tuff showed me a whole new way of the world this last week. Even in the midst of adversity, in the essence of weakness, while carrying a burden (that made a 35 pound difference), Tuff rejoined the herd. Now yes, I realize that cows don't do things the way we do them. I know we our own worst enemy.
Tuff will never be the same longhorn. So what. Tuff may be the brunt of many jokes for many years. Tuff may always look a little lopsided. They may even make Ebert Ranch games around Tuff (pin the horn on the longhorn). Tuff has a pretty heavy load to bear. Each of those horns probably weighs 35 pounds. That is 35 pounds worth of burden.
Through all of my weaknesses and failures, through all of my adversities, may I be able to hold my head high and not fall.
AMEN
Tuff before
Tuff Now
Monday, July 19, 2010
The big dipper
It seems so silly now. I always loved constellations. I usually could never find them but I loved to just stare at the stars and hope the shapes would just appear to me.
As I have said, many many times, I have always loved camp. I have always felt so much of God's presence at camp and love the opportunity to share that love with other kids even now. During camp, as I got older, they started asking questions like "When was the first time you saw God active in your life?" That was a funny question for me and one that I could never quite come up with an answer.
I grew up around God. Church was always more for me than going on Sunday morning. I don't know if I always knew it but I did. But how could I have answered that question?
One night, when I was a Staff in Training YEARS ago, we sat on the upper deck of the chapel just quietly reflecting the day and looking up at the stars. The question I could not always answer was asked, "When was the first time you saw God active in your life?"
That is when it happened. I looked up at the big dipper and saw it for the first time. I had probably seen it millions of times before but there it was. This feeling of utter peace that I cannot express came over me and I knew my answer. I have always known that God was active in my life but actually seeing it, I just had to open my eyes. I had to be open to it.
Millions of times since that night, I have found myself in need of peace. If I am able, I go outside and find the big dipper. Except I usually don't have to look for it. My eyes sometimes know right where to go and immediately, I find peace.
As I sat at Ebert, last night at our first evening worship, I again found myself gazing at stars. Sure enough, I looked up and there was the big dipper. After the crazy week that I had last week that was what I needed. I needed that peace, that reminder that God is there. I don't necessarily have to look for the peace but when I am ready to receive it, it is there.
AMEN
As I have said, many many times, I have always loved camp. I have always felt so much of God's presence at camp and love the opportunity to share that love with other kids even now. During camp, as I got older, they started asking questions like "When was the first time you saw God active in your life?" That was a funny question for me and one that I could never quite come up with an answer.
I grew up around God. Church was always more for me than going on Sunday morning. I don't know if I always knew it but I did. But how could I have answered that question?
One night, when I was a Staff in Training YEARS ago, we sat on the upper deck of the chapel just quietly reflecting the day and looking up at the stars. The question I could not always answer was asked, "When was the first time you saw God active in your life?"
That is when it happened. I looked up at the big dipper and saw it for the first time. I had probably seen it millions of times before but there it was. This feeling of utter peace that I cannot express came over me and I knew my answer. I have always known that God was active in my life but actually seeing it, I just had to open my eyes. I had to be open to it.
Millions of times since that night, I have found myself in need of peace. If I am able, I go outside and find the big dipper. Except I usually don't have to look for it. My eyes sometimes know right where to go and immediately, I find peace.
As I sat at Ebert, last night at our first evening worship, I again found myself gazing at stars. Sure enough, I looked up and there was the big dipper. After the crazy week that I had last week that was what I needed. I needed that peace, that reminder that God is there. I don't necessarily have to look for the peace but when I am ready to receive it, it is there.
AMEN
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Those silly socks
Ok... so today's blog might not be spiritually based. Actually, they all end up relating to something in my spiritual life. Stick with me.
The big joke with my knitting friends is that I am ANTI-sock. I know how to knit socks. I love knitting with sock yarn. Hand knitted socks are ABSOLUTELY yummy feeling. I don't knit socks.
I know how to knit socks with dpns. I know how to knit socks in magic loop. I think I understand toe up socks but have never tried a pattern. (non-knitting friends -- just smile and nod at Mariesa's weirdness).
Here I sit needing to cast on for a new project. I have tons of options. What do I want to knit? Socks.
I have this really cool rainbow striped yarn that I got about a month ago. I can imagine NOTHING but socks out of this yarn. They are begging to be socks. (Yes, my husband does worry about me talking to my yarn).
And here comes the spiritual part (you knew it was coming.) Life is funny. We like our comfort. We like to do what we know.
Socks for me are a commitment. You commit to a sock pattern and go clear through the sock pattern only to have to do the pattern over again for sock 2. Socks, for me, are a break out of my free flowing knitting world into a structured product. If I don't follow the pattern, the formula it won't work. They won't fit.
For awhile now, I have been working on my time with God. I have been focusing on it in many different ways. The great thing about God time is that unlike making socks -- I can't mess God time up unless I don't do it. It is a definite commitment like socks and the end product is wonderful.
So... I guess the anti- sock knitter will really make a pair of socks.
God help me now!!!
The big joke with my knitting friends is that I am ANTI-sock. I know how to knit socks. I love knitting with sock yarn. Hand knitted socks are ABSOLUTELY yummy feeling. I don't knit socks.
I know how to knit socks with dpns. I know how to knit socks in magic loop. I think I understand toe up socks but have never tried a pattern. (non-knitting friends -- just smile and nod at Mariesa's weirdness).
Here I sit needing to cast on for a new project. I have tons of options. What do I want to knit? Socks.
I have this really cool rainbow striped yarn that I got about a month ago. I can imagine NOTHING but socks out of this yarn. They are begging to be socks. (Yes, my husband does worry about me talking to my yarn).
And here comes the spiritual part (you knew it was coming.) Life is funny. We like our comfort. We like to do what we know.
Socks for me are a commitment. You commit to a sock pattern and go clear through the sock pattern only to have to do the pattern over again for sock 2. Socks, for me, are a break out of my free flowing knitting world into a structured product. If I don't follow the pattern, the formula it won't work. They won't fit.
For awhile now, I have been working on my time with God. I have been focusing on it in many different ways. The great thing about God time is that unlike making socks -- I can't mess God time up unless I don't do it. It is a definite commitment like socks and the end product is wonderful.
So... I guess the anti- sock knitter will really make a pair of socks.
God help me now!!!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Time... or lack there of
Time is a funny thing. In this world of overscheduled over achievers, we don't think we have a lot of time.
I get many reactions to my knitting. I think people are drawn to people doing stuff with their hands. The funniest reaction I normally get is, "Oh I would never have enough time to do that." "Wow, you must have a lot of free time." Those who know me best, know that is definitely not the case. The fact is that I am a multi tasker -- it comes with my ADD -- and I can knit while doing other things. But, I also make time for it.
The same comes when spending time in prayer. "Oh, I can't commit to that much time in prayer." "I got busy and forgot." " I had other things to do and didn't have the time." I have made all these excuses. I will probably make all these excuses again a million times in the course of my life. Or, even a better excuse -- "I had more important things to do."
If anyone looks at the course of their day, really looks at it, they will see a whole lot of idle time. There are times where we find ourselves randomly checking useless websites. There are times where we watch a rerun of Reba for the 300th time (yes, I am guilty). There are times where we just lay in bed and are too lazy to get up or too lazy to think anything concrete.
This morning I woke up at 6 am. I tossed and turned for 10 minutes refusing to believe that I could not go back to sleep. I realized Cade and Jody would be in bed for at least 30 more minutes so I decided it was time to pray. I make this time for myself everyday. Sometimes it is sadly only 10 minutes before I get interruption. BUT, I always make the time. I found my comfy spot on the couch and started reading the book from my Spiritual Director.
This is the point where God reminded me of this time thing. The chapter was on Mary and Martha. Mary sat in the presence of Jesus. She gave all she had to Jesus. This frustrated Martha. Martha knew that there were things that had to get done and yet Mary just sat there. I began to remember the little people wondering how I could have time to knit. I began to remember all of my excuses for why I don't make time to pray or spend time in God's presence.
There are times in our lives where we would like to believe that we have it all together. We want to believe we are on the right path and doing ALL the right steps to get there. The fact is... I will NEVER have it all together. I will always fall off the path. But, I will look for God in all of those instances. I will search and find God in the depths of my screwed up life and rest in that peace.
AMEN
I get many reactions to my knitting. I think people are drawn to people doing stuff with their hands. The funniest reaction I normally get is, "Oh I would never have enough time to do that." "Wow, you must have a lot of free time." Those who know me best, know that is definitely not the case. The fact is that I am a multi tasker -- it comes with my ADD -- and I can knit while doing other things. But, I also make time for it.
The same comes when spending time in prayer. "Oh, I can't commit to that much time in prayer." "I got busy and forgot." " I had other things to do and didn't have the time." I have made all these excuses. I will probably make all these excuses again a million times in the course of my life. Or, even a better excuse -- "I had more important things to do."
If anyone looks at the course of their day, really looks at it, they will see a whole lot of idle time. There are times where we find ourselves randomly checking useless websites. There are times where we watch a rerun of Reba for the 300th time (yes, I am guilty). There are times where we just lay in bed and are too lazy to get up or too lazy to think anything concrete.
This morning I woke up at 6 am. I tossed and turned for 10 minutes refusing to believe that I could not go back to sleep. I realized Cade and Jody would be in bed for at least 30 more minutes so I decided it was time to pray. I make this time for myself everyday. Sometimes it is sadly only 10 minutes before I get interruption. BUT, I always make the time. I found my comfy spot on the couch and started reading the book from my Spiritual Director.
This is the point where God reminded me of this time thing. The chapter was on Mary and Martha. Mary sat in the presence of Jesus. She gave all she had to Jesus. This frustrated Martha. Martha knew that there were things that had to get done and yet Mary just sat there. I began to remember the little people wondering how I could have time to knit. I began to remember all of my excuses for why I don't make time to pray or spend time in God's presence.
There are times in our lives where we would like to believe that we have it all together. We want to believe we are on the right path and doing ALL the right steps to get there. The fact is... I will NEVER have it all together. I will always fall off the path. But, I will look for God in all of those instances. I will search and find God in the depths of my screwed up life and rest in that peace.
AMEN
Friday, July 2, 2010
Marked by the cross of Christ
So, I just returned from Disciple Project. Youth trips always refresh and renew me. This year was no exception. I am in a stage of discovery with my ministry... a place where I am really seeing where my ministry could be potentially heading. This excites and terrifies me at the same time (I have to be honest.) It is a strange thing when things come clear.
On Wednesday night, my track did tattoos. I got to doodle on people's hands and arms in henna which was kinda fun. Several things I discovered that night and throughout the week.
I know this is not a profound discovery and it is something I really always knew but it is good to be reminded.
Each person that I come in contact with has a different story. In this time and space, people want to share their stories. It was interesting watching all of the different people who wanted to copy the henna that the person before them had. Some were very instistent on specific ideas and thoughts they wanted to show on their arms.
There was also face painting. People were painting a little bit of everything, all expressing who they were... sharing their stories.
Each of us has a mark... each has a similarity that is not visible. We are marked as God's children. In Baptism we are marked with the cross of Christ. It is not something visible and each person's may be a little different in experience, but it is yet another way that we can share our story.... share a piece of who we are.
The week was great. The time with my kids was great and taught me a little deeper about them. My understanding of my ministry and my understanding of who I am as God's child grew a little bit more this week.
On Wednesday night, my track did tattoos. I got to doodle on people's hands and arms in henna which was kinda fun. Several things I discovered that night and throughout the week.
I know this is not a profound discovery and it is something I really always knew but it is good to be reminded.
Each person that I come in contact with has a different story. In this time and space, people want to share their stories. It was interesting watching all of the different people who wanted to copy the henna that the person before them had. Some were very instistent on specific ideas and thoughts they wanted to show on their arms.
There was also face painting. People were painting a little bit of everything, all expressing who they were... sharing their stories.
Each of us has a mark... each has a similarity that is not visible. We are marked as God's children. In Baptism we are marked with the cross of Christ. It is not something visible and each person's may be a little different in experience, but it is yet another way that we can share our story.... share a piece of who we are.
The week was great. The time with my kids was great and taught me a little deeper about them. My understanding of my ministry and my understanding of who I am as God's child grew a little bit more this week.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
The Simple Pleasures of Life
Last week, Cade and I spent the whole weekend inside. Cade was getting over the nasties of yet another case of tonsilitis. What was supposed to be fun and goofy day was spent being lazy on the couch. It was fun but not the fun either of us wanted to have. Jody worked most of the day so Cade and I just were lazy.
Today however, was different. Today is National Fishing Day. Daddy, Cade and I set out to Live Oak City Park for Jr Fishing Day. Cade had a Shrek fishing pole, some tackle and some worms from Walmart.
Cade fished for awhile with his Auntie Melmel when he was younger but hasn't fished in almost 2 years.
Fishing Day was lots of fun. For $2, he got in to the event and got a cool tshirt. We had just lost our first bobber and realized that the little fishing pole was not a good fishing pole. They had given us a ticket for door prizes. WE WON!!! He got the choice of a camping chair or a new fishing pole. We grabbed the fishing pole, definitely.
Within minutes of attaching the bobber thing and hook and new worm, we caught the first fish. The way Mommy finally broke Cade of bringing home every dandelion and rolie polie in the world is that Cade "gives them back to God." Guess what!!! This works with fish too. The first one was probably a 10 inch catfish. It bit Jody when he was taking the hook out. (pretty funny). We got our photo with fishie #1 and then "gave fishie back to God."
After catching the hook in a tree, losing the other bobber thing and then borrowing a bobber from someone else -- we got another good line. WE CAUGHT FISH #2. Cade thought this was pretty cool. He helped, but pretty much Daddy did most of the work. This poor fish did not want to give up the hook. We gave him back to God too.
You see, when you give them back to God --- the fishies, the rolie polies and dandelions get to continue living out their life like God needs them to. They get to do their jobs and we get to enjoy their beauty. (Yes, sometimes Mom pulls things out of her butt to amuse the child)
We caught a little guppy (about 4 inches.) By this time Cade was getting bored. Fishing is not exciting unless you can actually catch fish CONSTANTLY.
We cast a few more lines and Cade watched a frog and really wanted to take the frog home.
For Cade's first fishing day with mom and dad, it was pretty awesome.
He said the fish were really slimy and wiggled too much to keep them. God needed them back:).
Today however, was different. Today is National Fishing Day. Daddy, Cade and I set out to Live Oak City Park for Jr Fishing Day. Cade had a Shrek fishing pole, some tackle and some worms from Walmart.
Cade fished for awhile with his Auntie Melmel when he was younger but hasn't fished in almost 2 years.
Fishing Day was lots of fun. For $2, he got in to the event and got a cool tshirt. We had just lost our first bobber and realized that the little fishing pole was not a good fishing pole. They had given us a ticket for door prizes. WE WON!!! He got the choice of a camping chair or a new fishing pole. We grabbed the fishing pole, definitely.
Within minutes of attaching the bobber thing and hook and new worm, we caught the first fish. The way Mommy finally broke Cade of bringing home every dandelion and rolie polie in the world is that Cade "gives them back to God." Guess what!!! This works with fish too. The first one was probably a 10 inch catfish. It bit Jody when he was taking the hook out. (pretty funny). We got our photo with fishie #1 and then "gave fishie back to God."
After catching the hook in a tree, losing the other bobber thing and then borrowing a bobber from someone else -- we got another good line. WE CAUGHT FISH #2. Cade thought this was pretty cool. He helped, but pretty much Daddy did most of the work. This poor fish did not want to give up the hook. We gave him back to God too.
You see, when you give them back to God --- the fishies, the rolie polies and dandelions get to continue living out their life like God needs them to. They get to do their jobs and we get to enjoy their beauty. (Yes, sometimes Mom pulls things out of her butt to amuse the child)
We caught a little guppy (about 4 inches.) By this time Cade was getting bored. Fishing is not exciting unless you can actually catch fish CONSTANTLY.
We cast a few more lines and Cade watched a frog and really wanted to take the frog home.
For Cade's first fishing day with mom and dad, it was pretty awesome.
He said the fish were really slimy and wiggled too much to keep them. God needed them back:).
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Surgeries... good, bad, not sure
I always love filling out medical forms when I am a new patient at a doctor's office or hospital. Most give you this short line about this long _________________________________________________________ to fill out past surgeries. Yeah, that doesn't work for me.
I have had a bunch of surgeries in my life. Not to go in to too much detail with kinds, I have had kidneys, TB removed from lymph node, tonsils, sinuses, CSection (this list is longer actually). I had surgery in 1976 (twice), 1980, 1989, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2005 and 2008. That is a bunch of surgeries.
I have had very routine surgeries and also ones that I could have really died from. I remember before my jaw reconstruction surgery, the Oral Surgeon listing off the warnings and disclaimers. That surgery included anesthesia that took my blood pressure REALLY low because it was a bloody surgery. I remember the look of shock and panic in my mother's face but still I had the surgery.
I could very easily have died in childbirth. It was a God thing that I didn't but there were complications.
Where am I going with all of this? There are risks to everything you do. There are uncertainties in everything. I believe strongly in doctors (and have put my life in many of their hands). Faith plays into that alot. With as many medical things as I have had go wrong and right in my life, I have to have faith.
With all that being said, Jody and I will soon be making the decision whether Cade has a tonsillectomy or not. My poor baby boy has such problems with his sinuses and his tonsils and just gets worn out from them. This will be the first time he will go under the knife in his life. I am not sure how I feel about that. I have no fear of surgery for myself. Obviously, I have had enough and have put faith in enough medical personnel, but still not sure how I feel about Cade having surgery. That is kinda scary.
Thursday he has an ENT appointment over in the Medical Center. We will go from there. On the one hand, I do not want him to have the pain of every other month tonsillitis because that just sucks, but I also don't want to have to put my little boy's life in someone else's hands.
Hmmmm.....
I have had a bunch of surgeries in my life. Not to go in to too much detail with kinds, I have had kidneys, TB removed from lymph node, tonsils, sinuses, CSection (this list is longer actually). I had surgery in 1976 (twice), 1980, 1989, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2005 and 2008. That is a bunch of surgeries.
I have had very routine surgeries and also ones that I could have really died from. I remember before my jaw reconstruction surgery, the Oral Surgeon listing off the warnings and disclaimers. That surgery included anesthesia that took my blood pressure REALLY low because it was a bloody surgery. I remember the look of shock and panic in my mother's face but still I had the surgery.
I could very easily have died in childbirth. It was a God thing that I didn't but there were complications.
Where am I going with all of this? There are risks to everything you do. There are uncertainties in everything. I believe strongly in doctors (and have put my life in many of their hands). Faith plays into that alot. With as many medical things as I have had go wrong and right in my life, I have to have faith.
With all that being said, Jody and I will soon be making the decision whether Cade has a tonsillectomy or not. My poor baby boy has such problems with his sinuses and his tonsils and just gets worn out from them. This will be the first time he will go under the knife in his life. I am not sure how I feel about that. I have no fear of surgery for myself. Obviously, I have had enough and have put faith in enough medical personnel, but still not sure how I feel about Cade having surgery. That is kinda scary.
Thursday he has an ENT appointment over in the Medical Center. We will go from there. On the one hand, I do not want him to have the pain of every other month tonsillitis because that just sucks, but I also don't want to have to put my little boy's life in someone else's hands.
Hmmmm.....
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Where were you when ....
Today marks the 30th anniversary of the eruption of Mt. St. Helens. Where were you when it erupted?
Me?? I was in preschool. I think playdoh and eating glue were probably more important to me that day. It is just a thought.
Monumental moments in history -- Elvis died (I was eating my 1st birthday cake, btw), 9/11 (I was being lazy about going to work and ended up relaying messages to our secretary at the church next door)... The list could go on and on. Why do we remember these days in history? Why does it really matter what I was doing at this particular time?
I remember so many important things in my life -- the first time I saw God active in my life, my first crush, my first kiss, when I knew I was supposed to be a youth director, when I found out I was pregnant, the birth of my son. All of these are so important and each holds a special memory and significance.
Memories are important. Recalling those memories helps others understand where we have been and why we might have chosen the path in life that we travel. The memories themselves may seem insignificant to someone else. The memories may be just blips on the radar of life, but to us they may just be earth shattering, life changing moments.
Often in youth ministry, church type settings, people talk about mountain top experiences. I have had some wonderful mountain top experiences. These are times when we feel like we have achieved a great accomplishment. Many times these mountain top experiences are life changing. Had I not had one of my first mountaintop experiences at Chrysalis 23 years ago, I might not be a youth director today. Who knows where my life might have ended up. Had I not had key moments after that, meeting people who taught me about my faith and how God was active in my life, I might be somewhere very different.
It is funny how life works. It is interesting how we look back at key points in history and want to always remember what we were doing at that moment in time. The Berlin Wall, the end of the Cold War, when Pope John Paul II died, Oklahoma City bombing. And who knows what those moments and key points in history will be 30 years from now when Cade gets older. Will he laugh when people ask what he was doing when Michael Jackson died. He can look at them and say, I was eating macaroni and cheese and green beans. Will his life be forever affected by that event? Probably not... who knows.
And yes, when Elvis Presley was pronounced dead, I was eating birthday cake at my first birthday party. :)
Me?? I was in preschool. I think playdoh and eating glue were probably more important to me that day. It is just a thought.
Monumental moments in history -- Elvis died (I was eating my 1st birthday cake, btw), 9/11 (I was being lazy about going to work and ended up relaying messages to our secretary at the church next door)... The list could go on and on. Why do we remember these days in history? Why does it really matter what I was doing at this particular time?
I remember so many important things in my life -- the first time I saw God active in my life, my first crush, my first kiss, when I knew I was supposed to be a youth director, when I found out I was pregnant, the birth of my son. All of these are so important and each holds a special memory and significance.
Memories are important. Recalling those memories helps others understand where we have been and why we might have chosen the path in life that we travel. The memories themselves may seem insignificant to someone else. The memories may be just blips on the radar of life, but to us they may just be earth shattering, life changing moments.
Often in youth ministry, church type settings, people talk about mountain top experiences. I have had some wonderful mountain top experiences. These are times when we feel like we have achieved a great accomplishment. Many times these mountain top experiences are life changing. Had I not had one of my first mountaintop experiences at Chrysalis 23 years ago, I might not be a youth director today. Who knows where my life might have ended up. Had I not had key moments after that, meeting people who taught me about my faith and how God was active in my life, I might be somewhere very different.
It is funny how life works. It is interesting how we look back at key points in history and want to always remember what we were doing at that moment in time. The Berlin Wall, the end of the Cold War, when Pope John Paul II died, Oklahoma City bombing. And who knows what those moments and key points in history will be 30 years from now when Cade gets older. Will he laugh when people ask what he was doing when Michael Jackson died. He can look at them and say, I was eating macaroni and cheese and green beans. Will his life be forever affected by that event? Probably not... who knows.
And yes, when Elvis Presley was pronounced dead, I was eating birthday cake at my first birthday party. :)
Friday, May 14, 2010
Destroying things and making them new
I have weird neighborhood kids. For some reason, my yard has become their place to play? Earlier this week, I set out an old piece of furniture that was still in ok condition and someone could have used it. The kids destroyed it. At first it ticked me off. I mean, I don't go destroy stuff in other people's yards. It really bothered me that they would do this, but then again, I left it on the side of the road in the trash pile so why does it matter?
So, last night, Cade and I came home from HEB where we ordered his birthday cake. We drove in to our driveway to find all the rugrats had taken the piece of broken furniture and also alot of other pieces of debris from other people's front yards and created a fort in my yard? My first thoughts were, "Why did they not do this in their yard? Gees, I am going to have to clean this up." I was annoyed, but then... not so much. I asked them to please clean it up before they went home for the evening and did not mind that they had built it in my yard.
Ephesians 4:22-24 --You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
There was a time when I probably would have been really mad that they built the fort in my yard. Parts of me really did want to yell at them to go play somewhere else. But as I looked at this fort, this dwelling that they were playing in -- it wasn't hurting a thing. They were hanging out not bothering me at all.
We rid ourselves of trash, sin, bad things all the time. We don't always let them go. We think we do. In our minds, because we got rid of it, it is gone. At first, I was really pissed that they had destroyed this piece of furniture. Had they left it alone, someone would have driven by and taken it. But seeing them last night, having created something completely different -- was cool. I appreciated my own desire to hold on to past things. I understood my need to be in control of the past, of that stupid piece of furniture.
Seeing the boards all laying their neatly this morning, makes me kinda sad. I don't care for alot of the things the neighborhood kids do in my yard (leave their toys where I can run over them for instance). BUT, little did they know, that by destroying that piece of furniture and creating a makeshift dwelling in my yard, they have helped me to free myself of past things.
I close with a song by Ginny Owens called "Free"... It really speaks to me this morning --
Turning molehills into mountains,
Making big deals out of small ones,
Bearing gifts as if they're burdens'
This is how it's been.
Fear of coming out of my shell,
Too many things I can't do too well,
Afraid I'll try real hard and I'll fail -
This is how it's been.
Till the day you pounded on my heart's door,
And you shouted joyfully,
"You not a slave anymore"
You're free to dance-
Forget about your two left feet
And you're free to sing-
Even jofful noise is music to me
And you're free to love,
Cause I've given you My love,
and it's made you free
I have set you free
My mind finds hard to believe
That You became humanity
and changed the course of history,
Because You loved me so.
And my heart cannot understand
Why You'd accept me as I am,
But You say You've always had a plan,
And that's all I need to know.
So when I am consumed by what the world will say,
It's then You're singing to me,
As you remove my chains
You're free to dance-
Forget about your two left feet
And you're free to sing-
Even jofful noise is music to me
And you're free to love,
Cause I've given you My love,
and it's made you free
I have set you free
Free from worry, free from envy and denial
Free to live, free to give, free to smile
You're free to dance-
Forget about your two left feet
And you're free to sing-
Even jofful noise is music to me
And you're free to love,
Cause I've given you My love,
and it's made you free
I have set you free
So, last night, Cade and I came home from HEB where we ordered his birthday cake. We drove in to our driveway to find all the rugrats had taken the piece of broken furniture and also alot of other pieces of debris from other people's front yards and created a fort in my yard? My first thoughts were, "Why did they not do this in their yard? Gees, I am going to have to clean this up." I was annoyed, but then... not so much. I asked them to please clean it up before they went home for the evening and did not mind that they had built it in my yard.
Ephesians 4:22-24 --You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
There was a time when I probably would have been really mad that they built the fort in my yard. Parts of me really did want to yell at them to go play somewhere else. But as I looked at this fort, this dwelling that they were playing in -- it wasn't hurting a thing. They were hanging out not bothering me at all.
We rid ourselves of trash, sin, bad things all the time. We don't always let them go. We think we do. In our minds, because we got rid of it, it is gone. At first, I was really pissed that they had destroyed this piece of furniture. Had they left it alone, someone would have driven by and taken it. But seeing them last night, having created something completely different -- was cool. I appreciated my own desire to hold on to past things. I understood my need to be in control of the past, of that stupid piece of furniture.
Seeing the boards all laying their neatly this morning, makes me kinda sad. I don't care for alot of the things the neighborhood kids do in my yard (leave their toys where I can run over them for instance). BUT, little did they know, that by destroying that piece of furniture and creating a makeshift dwelling in my yard, they have helped me to free myself of past things.
I close with a song by Ginny Owens called "Free"... It really speaks to me this morning --
Turning molehills into mountains,
Making big deals out of small ones,
Bearing gifts as if they're burdens'
This is how it's been.
Fear of coming out of my shell,
Too many things I can't do too well,
Afraid I'll try real hard and I'll fail -
This is how it's been.
Till the day you pounded on my heart's door,
And you shouted joyfully,
"You not a slave anymore"
You're free to dance-
Forget about your two left feet
And you're free to sing-
Even jofful noise is music to me
And you're free to love,
Cause I've given you My love,
and it's made you free
I have set you free
My mind finds hard to believe
That You became humanity
and changed the course of history,
Because You loved me so.
And my heart cannot understand
Why You'd accept me as I am,
But You say You've always had a plan,
And that's all I need to know.
So when I am consumed by what the world will say,
It's then You're singing to me,
As you remove my chains
You're free to dance-
Forget about your two left feet
And you're free to sing-
Even jofful noise is music to me
And you're free to love,
Cause I've given you My love,
and it's made you free
I have set you free
Free from worry, free from envy and denial
Free to live, free to give, free to smile
You're free to dance-
Forget about your two left feet
And you're free to sing-
Even jofful noise is music to me
And you're free to love,
Cause I've given you My love,
and it's made you free
I have set you free
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Normal?
I mentioned the other day that I was ready for things to be normal in my life again. It is a funny statement really.
I don't have a normal life. At least, I don't think I do. Stress is normal for me. Drama is normal for me. Being the overplanner that I am, I "plan" for that stuff.
Then all hell breaks loose and things that you could NEVER had planned for happen. Those things, I do not do well. I don't like the unexpected (no one does really).
So, what is normal? (was asked this by many when I demanded normalcy) To be honest, I have no idea. Actually, for me, normal is having my priorities in order, having a schedule -- having a certain level of spontaneity and chaos but definitely stuff I can control.
Yeah, none of this usually happens that way. Life happens in between the schedule, the other times are what make life interesting.
Things I have learned over the last month --
*watch your back. Always keep an eye out.
*dealing with things without crying and being a strong powerful woman is really a good thing
*screaming profanities at people won't get things done. I realize this should be a given but there were many times over the last month that I wanted to scream profanities at several people.
*sometimes the only thing that will make you smile is a cute boy and his dog falling asleep in your lap
*family is very important and their health and safety is even more important
*never say that the unthinkable cannot happen to you, because it probably WILL
*normalcy is not what I desire. The ability to find peace and being in the midst of chaos and craziness is SO much better.
*life truly is good
I don't have a normal life. At least, I don't think I do. Stress is normal for me. Drama is normal for me. Being the overplanner that I am, I "plan" for that stuff.
Then all hell breaks loose and things that you could NEVER had planned for happen. Those things, I do not do well. I don't like the unexpected (no one does really).
So, what is normal? (was asked this by many when I demanded normalcy) To be honest, I have no idea. Actually, for me, normal is having my priorities in order, having a schedule -- having a certain level of spontaneity and chaos but definitely stuff I can control.
Yeah, none of this usually happens that way. Life happens in between the schedule, the other times are what make life interesting.
Things I have learned over the last month --
*watch your back. Always keep an eye out.
*dealing with things without crying and being a strong powerful woman is really a good thing
*screaming profanities at people won't get things done. I realize this should be a given but there were many times over the last month that I wanted to scream profanities at several people.
*sometimes the only thing that will make you smile is a cute boy and his dog falling asleep in your lap
*family is very important and their health and safety is even more important
*never say that the unthinkable cannot happen to you, because it probably WILL
*normalcy is not what I desire. The ability to find peace and being in the midst of chaos and craziness is SO much better.
*life truly is good
Thursday, May 6, 2010
What is God telling you?
First off, this once a week blogging is really not working for me. Blogging had become part of my routine -- a time each day when I could collect my thoughts and pray and reflect. Once a week is kinda pointless. That is all I have to say about that.
God talks to us, all the time. I firmly believe that. God is not saying, "Mariesa, go eat eggs for breakfast." I don't think that is it. I have said it several times, that we take our relationship with God for granted. Most of the time, we have no idea we are doing this. Most of the time we are so wrapped up in ourselves and our microcosms of the world, that even though God is right there nudging us in one direction or the other, we don't listen or go that way.
The past 4 weeks of my life have been crazy. The last 4 weeks of my prayer life have been non existent. That really sucks. It sucks that I am not making time for my relationship with God. That being said, this week I have found myself in silence alot more. I have decisions looming that need to be made and I want to make the right decision. These are not ginormous and life changing. They are little decisions to make my life run more efficiently. These are little decisions that need to be made.
I think Moses had it pretty easy (tongue in cheek, I realize). Moses had God talking to him through a burning bush. When my mother was getting ready to retire from teaching, she was trying to figure out if it was the right time. At some point, I said, "Well, God will let you know if it is the right decision." That is a great statement, but it also needs to be followed with, "and be ready to accept what God is telling you."
Without getting into too much detail about my choice I need to make, I am trying to decide whether I need to change a relationship I have. This is a person who has led me to some pretty important truths about myself and understandings that I have been lead to because of this relationship. This person's situation has changed which leads me to have to do a lot of "working around." I don't do that well. That leads to a spontaneity that my brain cannot wrap around. As flexible as my schedule often is, quick changes don't usually work. That frustrates me.
So, here is where that God talking to me steps in. All this changed about 4 weeks ago. This person's situation changed for me to work around 4 weeks ago. Is that God trying to tell me something. My scheduled time with this changed last week. The time shifted and then I had an urgent house appointment that got in the way. Is that God telling me something?
Hearing God, developing that understanding relationship with God, making the steps and choices that God leads me to are not always easy. There is not an easy answer and that makes things difficult.
So, what do I do? Pray... and hear the words I told my mother, "Well, God will let you know if it is the right decision and be ready to accept what God is telling you."
God talks to us, all the time. I firmly believe that. God is not saying, "Mariesa, go eat eggs for breakfast." I don't think that is it. I have said it several times, that we take our relationship with God for granted. Most of the time, we have no idea we are doing this. Most of the time we are so wrapped up in ourselves and our microcosms of the world, that even though God is right there nudging us in one direction or the other, we don't listen or go that way.
The past 4 weeks of my life have been crazy. The last 4 weeks of my prayer life have been non existent. That really sucks. It sucks that I am not making time for my relationship with God. That being said, this week I have found myself in silence alot more. I have decisions looming that need to be made and I want to make the right decision. These are not ginormous and life changing. They are little decisions to make my life run more efficiently. These are little decisions that need to be made.
I think Moses had it pretty easy (tongue in cheek, I realize). Moses had God talking to him through a burning bush. When my mother was getting ready to retire from teaching, she was trying to figure out if it was the right time. At some point, I said, "Well, God will let you know if it is the right decision." That is a great statement, but it also needs to be followed with, "and be ready to accept what God is telling you."
Without getting into too much detail about my choice I need to make, I am trying to decide whether I need to change a relationship I have. This is a person who has led me to some pretty important truths about myself and understandings that I have been lead to because of this relationship. This person's situation has changed which leads me to have to do a lot of "working around." I don't do that well. That leads to a spontaneity that my brain cannot wrap around. As flexible as my schedule often is, quick changes don't usually work. That frustrates me.
So, here is where that God talking to me steps in. All this changed about 4 weeks ago. This person's situation changed for me to work around 4 weeks ago. Is that God trying to tell me something. My scheduled time with this changed last week. The time shifted and then I had an urgent house appointment that got in the way. Is that God telling me something?
Hearing God, developing that understanding relationship with God, making the steps and choices that God leads me to are not always easy. There is not an easy answer and that makes things difficult.
So, what do I do? Pray... and hear the words I told my mother, "Well, God will let you know if it is the right decision and be ready to accept what God is telling you."
AMEN
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Can you blog about nothing?
So, I remember in some English class or Creative Writing class or maybe it was in my own head -- being told to just start writing. When I would paint, I would pull colors from magazines and collage them. The final paintings would never look like the little glued pieces of paper, but, the inspiration was there and would take me through a piece of art. But how can that work for my blog...
The picture is my last piece of art that I painted with oil before I got pregnant. It hangs in my office. The piece was never completed. It was a piece that was not part of the series I had been working on that semester and was just really an experimentation in glazing, floating of color and oily squishiness. To look back at it now, it is the only oil painting I never titled. I guess that is probably because I never finished it. The thing is -- it will never be finished because I am a different person now.
So, oddly having this piece that is untitled is uncomfortable to me. There are different lines of thought on titling art and I am really not the person to debate that one way or the other. For me, so much of my art that I have completed, has me in it. My thoughts and feelings and perspective are all bottled up in that art. It is only right and correct in my mind that I should title my pieces. Even now, when I complete knitting projects, I HAVE to have a title for most of them.
What does this all have to do with not having inspiration to blog? Am I just a rambling idiot? No... at least I hope not. This piece of art that is unnamed is symbolic of other things in my life that are not inspiring me.... at least temporarily. The piece is imperfect, parts of it are really unfinished. It has paper collaged to it that was not secured properly. In life we are imperfect. There will always be parts of me that are resolved but not finished. There will always be parts of me that I don't like, but I am beautiful. Others see inspiration that I cannot imagine.
A blog about nothing? Not really I guess, but exploring my own need for creativity and inspiration -- I guess.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Trying week and Crisis Prayer
So most of you are aware of my flood issue. We woke up Saturday morning at 5 am to find a pipe had busted in our upstairs bathroom. By the time we found it, there was 2 inches of water upstairs and at least 2 inches of water downstairs. It was BAD. After a frantic call to our maintenance person (we rent), a trip to church to grab the shop vac and dehumidifier, and lots of wet nasty mess we have headed this week through a very yucky road to hell and back.
I don't want to get into all the gory details of dealing with landlords, water, ruined belongings and just not fun stuff but more how it has changed me... or will hopefully change me.
I am a drama queen. I take things way too personally and overdramatize situations. We all do this to a certain extreme. Bizarrely, I have kept a level head since early Saturday morning. It is very overwhelming. It is very disconcerting to have the problem not really being taken care of by the people that should be taking care of it. Lots of anger, lots of frustration and lots of uncertainty.
Currently I am working on increasing the quantity but more so the quality of my relationship with God through prayers and devotions. When emergencies like this happen in your life, your prayers change drastically. We find in our lives that we are so much more open to God when we are crying out to Him- Oh God help me! God I need you now! God, give me strength to get thru this disgusting mess! Often our prayer life greatly increases when we "need" God most. But don't we always need God? Don't we always need God's strength and support?
This crazy week of disasters has led me to several truths in my own life --
God is there for me. -- In the midst of all this, I see glimpses of God's grace encircling and holding me. It is often not easy or explainable but God's love is in the midst of this and all things.
I have so many people that love me. -- On Tuesday I snapped and yelled at my mother. She was giving me some bit of advice that I was not in the mood to listen to right then. MANY people have given me "advice" throughout this mess. As much as I want to be left alone, everybody puts their .02 in. I love everybody for it. I love that EVERYBODY loves me and my family to want to help. I love that everybody wants to make sure I do not leave anything out so that I come on top. In those times, when we think we want to be left alone, that is often when we most need to know that someone cares.
Also in that people loving me, I happened thru church on Monday and was given a card "to add sparkle to my day." In it was a gift card to Gattis. It was totally unnecessary, but that simple gesture was so welcomed and appreciated. Words cannot express how that made me feel inside.
This leads me to my third truth -- blessings and gratitude. I have so so much to be thankful for. I am blessed by a family who even through some tense moments this week, we will come out of this stronger than ever. I am grateful to those who have helped with fans and leads on dealing with our water. It is a blessing that we did not lose much in the way of personal belongings. The flood happened in such a way that only minimal personal stuff was damaged (the house however got serious damage). I am blessed that no one was injured. We are sure to have some faulty wiring in the fixtures that were affected by the water. Thankfully these have not blown. Our upstairs is VERY soggy. Thankfully that has not caused injury.
Mostly, I have learned that in all I do, God surrounds me with all that I need. God provides me strength to get through the trying times. God provides me friends to love and support me.
It is truly an awesome feeling in the midst of chaos. AMEN!
Here is a little taste of the water damage. This is under the sink that had the broken flex line.
I don't want to get into all the gory details of dealing with landlords, water, ruined belongings and just not fun stuff but more how it has changed me... or will hopefully change me.
I am a drama queen. I take things way too personally and overdramatize situations. We all do this to a certain extreme. Bizarrely, I have kept a level head since early Saturday morning. It is very overwhelming. It is very disconcerting to have the problem not really being taken care of by the people that should be taking care of it. Lots of anger, lots of frustration and lots of uncertainty.
Currently I am working on increasing the quantity but more so the quality of my relationship with God through prayers and devotions. When emergencies like this happen in your life, your prayers change drastically. We find in our lives that we are so much more open to God when we are crying out to Him- Oh God help me! God I need you now! God, give me strength to get thru this disgusting mess! Often our prayer life greatly increases when we "need" God most. But don't we always need God? Don't we always need God's strength and support?
This crazy week of disasters has led me to several truths in my own life --
God is there for me. -- In the midst of all this, I see glimpses of God's grace encircling and holding me. It is often not easy or explainable but God's love is in the midst of this and all things.
I have so many people that love me. -- On Tuesday I snapped and yelled at my mother. She was giving me some bit of advice that I was not in the mood to listen to right then. MANY people have given me "advice" throughout this mess. As much as I want to be left alone, everybody puts their .02 in. I love everybody for it. I love that EVERYBODY loves me and my family to want to help. I love that everybody wants to make sure I do not leave anything out so that I come on top. In those times, when we think we want to be left alone, that is often when we most need to know that someone cares.
Also in that people loving me, I happened thru church on Monday and was given a card "to add sparkle to my day." In it was a gift card to Gattis. It was totally unnecessary, but that simple gesture was so welcomed and appreciated. Words cannot express how that made me feel inside.
This leads me to my third truth -- blessings and gratitude. I have so so much to be thankful for. I am blessed by a family who even through some tense moments this week, we will come out of this stronger than ever. I am grateful to those who have helped with fans and leads on dealing with our water. It is a blessing that we did not lose much in the way of personal belongings. The flood happened in such a way that only minimal personal stuff was damaged (the house however got serious damage). I am blessed that no one was injured. We are sure to have some faulty wiring in the fixtures that were affected by the water. Thankfully these have not blown. Our upstairs is VERY soggy. Thankfully that has not caused injury.
Mostly, I have learned that in all I do, God surrounds me with all that I need. God provides me strength to get through the trying times. God provides me friends to love and support me.
It is truly an awesome feeling in the midst of chaos. AMEN!
Here is a little taste of the water damage. This is under the sink that had the broken flex line.Thursday, April 15, 2010
Comfort -- rest -- peace
I talked a bit about comfort as in relation to my dogs a few days ago. They are so funny and just precious when they sleep. That was just the tip of the iceberg though when it comes to comfort.
Comfort, as the dictionary defines means to soothe, console, or reassure; bring cheer to.
It all got me thinking -- what brings me comfort? Cade nursed for the first year of his life. I still remember every morning the wonderful peace of mother-child bonding. It may sound a little strange, but really it is quite sweet -- when Cade is cuddly and I have a sleeveless shirt on, Cade buries his nose on the bare skin of the front part of my shoulder. I think in a creepy way that brings back memories of nursing.
Children often have that special binkie, stuffie, blankie -- that item that is their security. They know they are safe and secure as long as they have that item. My sister had Paul R Bear. It was this ratty, nasty looking white teddy bear that went EVERYWHERE with her. She probably still has it somewhere because she never threw anything away.
Then there is comfort food. There is that food that reminds you of when you were a kid or reminds you of that favorite memory. I don't know if I have a comfort food really. I have foods that bring back memories, but I don't know that food really makes me comforted. I have foods that I eat when I am stressed -- potato chips and chips and salsa.
So, why do we have all of these things that comfort us? As children, we find safety and security in our binkies. Cade has fond memories of the smell of my skin (as weird as that may sound). And, people have those foods that make them comfortable like meatloaf, chicken fried steak. These are the foods that remind of safe happier times maybe.
SO... are you comfortable? Interesting thought.
Comfort, as the dictionary defines means to soothe, console, or reassure; bring cheer to.
It all got me thinking -- what brings me comfort? Cade nursed for the first year of his life. I still remember every morning the wonderful peace of mother-child bonding. It may sound a little strange, but really it is quite sweet -- when Cade is cuddly and I have a sleeveless shirt on, Cade buries his nose on the bare skin of the front part of my shoulder. I think in a creepy way that brings back memories of nursing.
Children often have that special binkie, stuffie, blankie -- that item that is their security. They know they are safe and secure as long as they have that item. My sister had Paul R Bear. It was this ratty, nasty looking white teddy bear that went EVERYWHERE with her. She probably still has it somewhere because she never threw anything away.
Then there is comfort food. There is that food that reminds you of when you were a kid or reminds you of that favorite memory. I don't know if I have a comfort food really. I have foods that bring back memories, but I don't know that food really makes me comforted. I have foods that I eat when I am stressed -- potato chips and chips and salsa.
So, why do we have all of these things that comfort us? As children, we find safety and security in our binkies. Cade has fond memories of the smell of my skin (as weird as that may sound). And, people have those foods that make them comfortable like meatloaf, chicken fried steak. These are the foods that remind of safe happier times maybe.
SO... are you comfortable? Interesting thought.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Figuring out who I am
For the past year and a half, I have learned alot about myself, I think. Not on a professional level... but a bit there too. Not on a marital, familial level... but I guess it all fits together.
Do you ever feel like you just aren't doing something right like something is missing or going differently than you expected? Do you ever feel like if you could just do _________ whole worlds might open up and you would be better for it? I guess that is where I have been for a long time.
A year ago last January is pretty much when I started searching. I started realizing there was something missing or not complete. And you know what it was.... the spiritual side of my life. The part of me that has an open and loving relationship with God who has given me EVERYTHING I could ever need or want in the world was almost non existent.
That is really sad if you think about it. On the outside I looked like I had it all together. I am not sure I was always practicing what I preached. I am not sure I was ever getting EVERYTHING out of God and God out of me that was needed for a thriving relationship.
I think all of this really became apparent to me when I started blogging. I was taking the steps openly and pretty much in front of anyone who reads my blogs. Some would say this is not the best idea but I really disagree. When I started putting the thoughts on the computer screen, and now looking back through them, it really made me aware that I was not fully taking in this open relationship with God.
Then I started a knitting project in late January. I can now talk more about it because the recipient, Steve, has received it. I completed a meditation blanket. Knitting has taught me to relax, taught me to recognize the beauty in mistakes. This particular venture into knitting taught me new skills (i have never knitted in a circle before). It taught me about patience. I don't do patience well. I am definitely a part of the generation that likes instant gratification. I learned to be quiet. I am not quiet. I like noise. As I got farther into this project and realized what all of it was meaning to me, I was able to release so much noise. My conversations with God were taken to a whole new level. I didn't worry about the stress of whatever had gone on outside of my bubble and could release it. That was awesome.
Even more, during this knitting project, I was able to talk to people about the project. I was able to express what the circle knitting meant, how it was a centering process for me as well as what the end product would be. I was able to share with people my understanding and talents in knitting. Many people had seen small projects I had completed but with this one they were able to see a passion that even I had not seen before.
And as I said, this project taught me to accept imperfections and mistakes. Somewhere in the blanket is a hole that is not supposed to be there. I must have picked up a ladder in between stitches which created a yarn over and a hole. For you non knitters - it is possible to have fixed this hole. I was not confident enough and did not want to mess anything else up to fix the hole. As I travelled around the blanket -- each time I got to the hole, it daunted me. It glared at me and reminded me it was there. It was chastising me almost because I knew that meant the blanket was imperfect. As I got around about the 5th time seeing that hole, I realized this was another step in my understanding of my spirituality. The hole represented my imperfections. I don't accept them well. I want everything to be perfect and go well. I want everything to flow just like it is supposed to. I was able to "release" the holes of imperfection. I accepted that hole in the blanket as well as the holes in my own life and most importantly --I am ok with imperfections.
All of my life is a spiritual journey. All of my life of course is full of twists and turns, uncertainties and certainties. My prayer life is no different. It is all a process. Each little thing we go through in life that takes us down different paths and leads to bumps in the road makes us better people.
That is a beautiful thing.
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