For the past year and a half, I have learned alot about myself, I think. Not on a professional level... but a bit there too. Not on a marital, familial level... but I guess it all fits together.
Do you ever feel like you just aren't doing something right like something is missing or going differently than you expected? Do you ever feel like if you could just do _________ whole worlds might open up and you would be better for it? I guess that is where I have been for a long time.
A year ago last January is pretty much when I started searching. I started realizing there was something missing or not complete. And you know what it was.... the spiritual side of my life. The part of me that has an open and loving relationship with God who has given me EVERYTHING I could ever need or want in the world was almost non existent.
That is really sad if you think about it. On the outside I looked like I had it all together. I am not sure I was always practicing what I preached. I am not sure I was ever getting EVERYTHING out of God and God out of me that was needed for a thriving relationship.
I think all of this really became apparent to me when I started blogging. I was taking the steps openly and pretty much in front of anyone who reads my blogs. Some would say this is not the best idea but I really disagree. When I started putting the thoughts on the computer screen, and now looking back through them, it really made me aware that I was not fully taking in this open relationship with God.
Then I started a knitting project in late January. I can now talk more about it because the recipient, Steve, has received it. I completed a meditation blanket. Knitting has taught me to relax, taught me to recognize the beauty in mistakes. This particular venture into knitting taught me new skills (i have never knitted in a circle before). It taught me about patience. I don't do patience well. I am definitely a part of the generation that likes instant gratification. I learned to be quiet. I am not quiet. I like noise. As I got farther into this project and realized what all of it was meaning to me, I was able to release so much noise. My conversations with God were taken to a whole new level. I didn't worry about the stress of whatever had gone on outside of my bubble and could release it. That was awesome.
Even more, during this knitting project, I was able to talk to people about the project. I was able to express what the circle knitting meant, how it was a centering process for me as well as what the end product would be. I was able to share with people my understanding and talents in knitting. Many people had seen small projects I had completed but with this one they were able to see a passion that even I had not seen before.
And as I said, this project taught me to accept imperfections and mistakes. Somewhere in the blanket is a hole that is not supposed to be there. I must have picked up a ladder in between stitches which created a yarn over and a hole. For you non knitters - it is possible to have fixed this hole. I was not confident enough and did not want to mess anything else up to fix the hole. As I travelled around the blanket -- each time I got to the hole, it daunted me. It glared at me and reminded me it was there. It was chastising me almost because I knew that meant the blanket was imperfect. As I got around about the 5th time seeing that hole, I realized this was another step in my understanding of my spirituality. The hole represented my imperfections. I don't accept them well. I want everything to be perfect and go well. I want everything to flow just like it is supposed to. I was able to "release" the holes of imperfection. I accepted that hole in the blanket as well as the holes in my own life and most importantly --I am ok with imperfections.
All of my life is a spiritual journey. All of my life of course is full of twists and turns, uncertainties and certainties. My prayer life is no different. It is all a process. Each little thing we go through in life that takes us down different paths and leads to bumps in the road makes us better people.
That is a beautiful thing.
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