Beginning again for a stronger me

In 2011, I set out on a journey to complete a 5k.  I wanted to complete the Bastrop Run Your Ash Off to support those who lost so much in the Bastrop Wildfires.  September 2012, a friend of mine and I completed it.  It was amazing, challenging, and left me wanting more.  

Over the next year, I was able to complete 3 other 5ks.  It did not matter how fast I was or what I looked like, or even if I had good form -- when I set out to finish something, I will not give up til it is finished.

Along the way, I got healthier, I got stronger.  As most people know, this was never a journey or weight loss.  I am a person who does not live by the scale number.  This was not about anything more than me proving to myself that I could do it.  

For Lent last year, I decided I wanted to complete miles as part of my Lenten Practice.  I struggled with this at first as I knew that I did not want this to be about me.  I did not want this to be a practice about me but wanted to somehow turn my efforts to others.  It was amazing and became a challenge to myself that I knew I had to complete the miles or I would be letting people down.  (somehow?)

Over the past year, I have had hernia surgery, which slowed training down.  Then,I setout to finish 2013 with 2 carpal tunnel surgeries.  

Now as Lent starts again, I am back at the beginning.  I had to restart again.  This time, though, I am a little more realistic and a little more understood of who I am.  I am doing this for many reasons.  I love to exercise.  I love to be active and to push myself.  Completing a 5k is invigorating.  Weight is something I am not concerned about.  I am a person who by society standards is "obese."  That word is painful but it is what it is.  I can't pretend that I am not.  

Today was day one of my journey.  I somehow managed to do 19:45 on the treadmill in a mile.  That felt good.  It felt good because I know that I can get my endurance back to what it was.  I also completed 4 miles on the bike in 20 minutes.  I know I will hurt tomorrow but I also know that I will get stronger.  

I struggled with putting my journey out here for all to see.  I am doing it for several reasons:

     - I need prayers and support.  I want to get back to where I love doing 5ks.  

     - If I can do it, anyone can do anything they put their mind to.  I am sometimes annoyed with the looks some people give me when I say that I do and have done 5ks.  They look at me with this condescending glare as if to say, "yeah right, you are too fat to do a 5k."  I know what the look means.  

     -I am not on a "diet."  There is nothing wrong with dieting.  There is nothing wrong with weight loss plans.  They are not for me.  My goal is not to lose x amounts of pounds.  My goal is to be happy with me and live happily doing everything I want to do.  

    -one last thing - please don't ask me how much weight I have lost.  I will not get on a scale unless I am at a doctor.  I do not like the scale and really this journey is not at all about the scale.  

I want to live my life fully to honor and please God.  Everything I do should glorify God and if I am obsessing about dieting or eating uncontrollably while being a couch potato, neither is glorifying God.  With all I say and DO.... that is an important part we sometimes forget.  

  

Starting over sucks big time

Well after setbacks, surgery repairing a hernia, depression because I couldn't workout like I wanted to...  I am back.  I had surgery  August 12 and was released to get back to the gym.

Tonight I went to Gold's Gym and felt apprehensive getting back on the machine.  I can only use the eliptical right now and no resistance.  I made it just under 2 miles in 30 minutes. I am hot, tire and glad I made it back.

I will get back to where I was.  I have to.  I have come too far.  Ironically, one of the songs on my playlist shuffle was "Stand in the Rain" by Superchick.

"Stand In The Rain"

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

I know I have to slow down and take it easy, but I know that I have to keep at it and know that no matter what, I will overcome and triumph.

But starting over does still suck.

Proving you can do something and go the extra mile (or 10)

I love working out.  I really do.  That being said, I have made lots of excuses or let lots of things get in my way these past few weeks.  The other night, I got on the bike.  I decided to see how far I could push myself and still keep a good pace.  Truth be told, I don't really know how to judge a good pace on the bike but I usually keep it above 80 RPMs on a random hill setting on level 4 or 5 (whatever that means).

I got to 10 miles which has been my standard on the bike to this point.  My legs are usually starting to get a good burn and I am labored.  I always get off the bike thinking, I really could have gone farther.  So, I set the bike for one hour (usually only go 30 minutes).  At 10 miles I had my normal pains and uncomfortable-ness but I kept going.  By the end of 45 minutes, I was tired.  I could have quit there but I wanted to go farther.

At the end of one hour, I hit 17.68.  I kept my pace between 17 and 18 miles an hour.  I did not over do it.  It felt good to know I could push myself farther than I have and still not feel like toast when all was said and done.

In life, I find that I like to remain comfortable.  I don't want to go the extra distance because I don't want to fail.  I don't want to give into fear.  When I find myself pushing just a bit further than I thought I could, the results are often so spectacular that all I can do is give thanks and praise to God.

Tonight, I will finish my 26.2 miles for Boston.  I started those miles a month ago and have my final 3 to finish.  I will push myself for all those that will not be able to go that extra mile on 2 feet again.

Dear God, Challenge me, push me and pursue me to live my life fully and completely in honor and praise of you.  AMEN

Always strive to do better

This past year, I have been going through a deeply spiritual, deeply personal awakening of myself.  I have been going through this process that has absolutely nothing to do with running but so much to do with all of me.

As I have gone through this, I have struggled.  I like the little comfort zone I have created for myself and don't really want to rock that boat.  In life we make choices and we live with those choices everyday.  What I struggle to remember is that all those choices belong to God and they are all blessings in my life.

At the gym last night, I was sorting some stress out.  My prayers focused on letting stupid stuff go that really didn't matter.  My prayers focused on letting go of that silly inner child that only wants my way and will fight til the bitter end to get it.

As I am at the completion of this journey that I am on, my prayer also focused on how my life has changed, how my views of myself and the world and God have changed.  I cannot listen to mainstream music anymore.  It is painful to me.  Some of the words are so degrading and offensive, that it just is garbage (for me).  I find myself more and more wanting to surround myself with things that remind me of the graces I have been given by God.  All of my life is a blessing.

Then my prayers turned to my sins.  I am sinful.  Simul justus et peccator.  I am simultaneously a saint and a sinner.  For every good jog I have, I put off working out and lounge in front of the tv proclaiming that I don't have time to workout.  As much as I try to model that I am living a godly life, I realize how many times I fall short of that glory and fail miserably.

I often wonder what people think about when they are at the gym.  If people could get in my head while I am pumping out miles, I know they would find my prayer crazy and definitely not gym related.  Normally I listen to my mp3 and whatever Christian music pumps and drives a beat to push my run faster.  Last night, I found myself listening to the strangest non cardio pumping song ever, but it was beautiful.

It is by Downhere.  It is called Beggar Who gives Alms.  http://youtu.be/bltQkFUGPbQ

The words drove me faster and faster.

I completed 2.5 miles on the eliptical and then did 1 mile on the treadmill.  I wish I would have had more time because I actually wanted to do 1 more mile on the treadmill.  I had a meeting so I had to finish.

May I always remember that life is not about the motions and pushing through activities just to get finished.  May I always search for more, to do more and desire more for myself so that I can truly give all that I have to God.

AMEN

I haven't run since April 20 :(

I have been busy.  This is something that is going to happen at times.  Sometimes getting to the gym is not going to work.  2 things this makes me realize.  1)My body does not like me when I don't workout.  My knees have been achy.  I have just felt yucky.  2) I have to pick up where I left off and keep churning on.

2 miles on the eliptical last night.  They hurt.  They hurt because I pushed myself.  They hurt because my knee was achy anyway.  I realized the treadmill was a no go since my knee was achy.  But, I did it.  I made it through and really felt good that I was back in the gym.

Looking at my goals, I have still not hit the 4.0 mark on the treadmill.  That will happen this month.  I am completing my next 5k on May 25.  The Graffitti Run was complete in 55 minutes.  It was not fast but it was faster than Bastrop.  I am getting stronger.  I am getting more steady (I am not faster yet, but I will get there).

I do not yet know if anyone is doing this 5k with me.  It might be interesting to see if I can push myself alone.  My first 5k, I had a friend pushing me to the end.  She would not let me stop.  My second 5k was with 10 church members.  That one was fun and I lost track of myself visiting.  So, we shall see.


The moral of the story:  I can't let myself get down when I cannot make it to the gym.  It is going to happen.  What I need to do is find some workouts that I can do and am comfortable with doing wherever and whenever I can.

Oh, one other thing.  I am working on completing 26.2 miles for Boston by May 15.  This journey started on April 15 with the bombings.  Last night's 2 miles brought me to 15.5 miles left to complete.  I would like them to be on the treadmill.  I will take what I can get and know that each mile I completed was completed for someone who will not be able to finish a mile again because of that tragedy.

Blessings to all.
Mariesa

Prayer and reflection on Boston

Last night's workout was somber.  With the events of the day in Boston and everything, I spent most of my time reflecting and praying.  My prayers were rich and full.  I mourned for those who because of the blasts would never walk or run again.  I prayed for all in the world with disabilities and problems that make mobility so difficult.  I gave thanks that I did not have that hindrance and hoped that I never would.

I prayed for understanding of how all this could happen.  I began reflecting on a song I heard several years ago at a youth gathering.  It is about having trust and peace and giving all of our struggle and pain to God.  Here is the song http://jacobsroad.com/mp3/ichoosetrustsamp.mp3.  It is a beautiful song about peace and hope amidst tragedy and despair.

I have gone to this song many times in the past few years when the world has been rocked from beneath me.  So often we get lost in the whys and the hows that rarely give us answers or peace.  When I read Phillipians 4:13 I struggle to see beyond the promise of Christ being there and that he has control, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  I know that I am a week puddle of mush and worth nothing if I ever lose sight of the fact that I am a child of God and know that God is with me and gives me strength to fight through everything that this temporal world throws at me.  I find peace in the trusting in God to see the pains and heartaches of the world and know that I can lay them at the feet of Jesus and know that I am redeemed.

As I continued my workout, I prayed for the running community, those who have felt the victory of crossing that finish line, those who have tasted the glory of training for any race and that dedication to finish the race and feel the victory of accomplishment.  They are hurting today, Lord.  They are struggling.  The Boston Marathon runners had that finish line taken and ripped from them.  That victory was not felt yesterday and instead was left in a cloud of smoke and debris.

I prayed for those who fear.  Those who fear doing anything and trying anything because of the doubts of victory, the fear of something happening.  Living a life of fear and doubt is no way to live.  It is painful to live a life of perceived safety and security because you won't try.   I prayed for that release of doubt and fear in my life.

This workout may have only been 30 minutes, but the swirl of emotions lasted clear through the night.

God, be with those who are hurting, those who mourn loss, for those who fear going anywhere for what might happen.  Help us...help me to remember that promise in I Corinthians 9:24 that we are all running a race together.  We are all looking for that victory and help us to live a life of victory in that race.  Help all to know that we should live life to the fullest and always know that YOU are there to redeem even the greatest troubles in the world.  AMEN

A few simple truths about Mariesa

This morning, as I have perused the web, I started to find inspiration for my next blog.  I don't want everyday to be just about my workout or why I haven't worked out... so what do I write about?

A few simple truths.

1 - I have no idea how much weight I have lost?  I hate the scale.  I refuse to get on the scale.  The scale is just a number.  This challenges me when people know I am working out and say, "Oh how much weight have you lost?"  No clue.  One friend who knows my feelings on the scale will instead say, "Wow you really must be dropping the weight."  To this I can reply, "Thank you and I hope so."  I could religiously step on the scale and watch the numbers rise and fall but really what does that tell me about who I am?  What does that number identify about Mariesa Robbins anymore than I am overweight.  My BMI is too high.  You know what?  I am a fairly active, healthy obese person by my doctor's standards.  Nothing is more frustrating than going through the yearly physical and hearing that all my numbers are healthy and within check and I am a healthy obese person.  Gee thanks.  So, I just don't get on a scale.

2 - I have never been a depressed fat person.  I realize that being overweight can be very trying on a person.  I realize that buying the next pant size up can be traumatizing.  The images in the magazines don't affect me, truthfully.  I am who I am.  I do not let much in this world stop me.  I am bold.  I realize there are those who will look at me like a lazy sloth, but they obviously have not walked a mile in my shoes and obviously have no idea what they are talking about.

3 - I am not on a diet.  There again, if I said I was on a diet, then that means I am trying to lose weight.  The truth is, I am making healthy choices.  I like food.  I LOVE bacon.  I don't like processed food but sometimes I have to eat that choice because of time.  I am a youth director and that job comes with pizza.  I wish it didn't.  I would love to find a healthy alternative, but guess what?  It is cheap.  My budget is cheap.  My pastor was shocked to find out that I actually really do not even like pizza.  Yesterday we celebrated my husband's birthday with cake and I ate a big piece.  (Now, it was lowfat icecream and lowfat coolwhip but the calories were there).

Now, I do have to say that I have dieted.  I have lost with Weight Watchers in high school.  I lost with Body for Life and really loved that program.  I use a lot of the principles from that program in understanding portion sizes.  I have read many good and bad things about the Paleo Diet and Atkins and thousands of other ones.  All in all, they are not for me.  I try to just eat healthy and realize that sometimes I will have a Krispy Kreme donut and the world will not end.  

4.  My go to after workout food is a giant pickle for leg cramps and either celery and peanut butter or frozen banana blended with peanut butter to make "ice cream."  My other favorite after workout food is Kale Chips.  If I have Kale in the house or remember to pick it up at the store, I will eat a whole head of Kale made into these FABULOUS chips.  They are loaded with good vitamins and I salt them because I crave salt after a hard workout.  

5.  I am an emotional eater.  BRING ON THE CHIPS AND HOT SAUCE.  There, I said it.  Stress comes and goes.  It is what it is.  Do I let that get me down?  No.  I do realize that my next workout is probably going to suck if I have had chips and hot sauce and emotional eating is not a daily or even weekly occurence.  It happens.

There are many more truths about Mariesa.  These are the straight forward ones.


Yesterday's workout was good -
Weight training -- need some more ab and arm exercises to really feel the burn
Stair Climber of Doom -- I did 10 minutes and 22 flights of stairs.  Woohoo