Facing your fears

I am terrified of the loss of control.  I realize that God is in control.  I realize that my view of control is only an illusion.  I have to get that out of the way.

This loss of control fear has led me to other fears like heights, riding horses, roller coasters.  These things just do not excite me.  I can admit that wholly and completely.

For 10 years now, since I have been in ministry, I have avoided high ropes like the plague.  I just frankly did not want to do it.  2 years ago, when I was at Youth Ministry Certification School, I decided I needed to try it.  I climbed a 40 ft rock wall.  It was horrible.  It really was not so much horrible as just really not a comfortable way of facing my fear.  I put faith in alot of people and made it.

After climbing,  was supposed climb the platform and zip line down.  I couldn't do it.  It took so much adrenaline to climb the wall that I just physically spent.  I climbed back down.

I found  great satisfaction in climbing the wall and what that meant in facing my fears.  Right after doing it, I really did not enjoy it but really look back at the experience fondly.  But, I didn't zipline.

Quite a different experience, but I had the opportunity to zipline this morning while I am at a retreat.  The circumstances were a bit different.  I climbed a 15 foot ladder and zip lined.  The zip line went down about a 50 foot hill.

I almost chickened out.  I got up there and froze.  I didn't want to step off.  I knew how much adrenaline I had used to get to that point and didn't want to do it.  I had 40 strangers surrounding me in cheers and prayers.  That was an interesting feeling.  Everyone kept saying stepping off was the hardest part.  Yeah, that was almost more than I could handle.

Someone else said it was exhilirating.  I am not sure yet if exhilirating was the word.  I was too tense.  I am proud of myself for taking that step over the edge.  I didn't want to.  I have to admit that.  In those brief moments before I went, I totally went into my own world.  I felt at peace with going.  I don't think there is any other way to describe it than that.  I was at peace.  I knew that I was ok.  I knew that nothing would happen to me.  I don't think I ever got "relaxed," but I did let go of the death grip on the rope.

We heard this morning of the story of this camp I am at.  Throughout the history of Camp Eagle, the director had to take extreme leaps of faith.  He continually put his trust and life in God's hands and God provided.  I think I felt that this morning.  At the moment I gave up, it was almost as if I could hear God say, "It's ok.  I have you."

In time, I will look back and say that I enjoyed it.  In time I will reflect fondly on the experience.  For now, I will know that I am one step closer to being able to say, "Yes God, you have total control of me."  I will embrace it and live it with my whole heart.