Power Struggles -- In my effort to be humble before God

I don't admit defeat easily.  I have always fought for everything I got.  To say I am a perfectionist -- not completely -- but I DEFINITELY do not fail easily.


I am realizing more and more that this need for control is in my prayer life.  We all fall into the pattern of making prayer one sided.  We do all the talking and often forget the listening to God part.  That is a big thing in having a relationship with God, listening and realizing the presence of God.  More than that for me, though is my need for POWER.


I really have never thought of myself as power hungry.  I'm not the one who climbs to the top of the corporate ladder and chews up anyone who gets in my way.  That is not the power hungry that I struggle with.  My power struggles are more in the "I have to have total control" category.  I control my own destiny, right?  NO.  NO. and NO.


I remember way back in October of last year when I had my first "green tea moment."  I still remember the moment when I really let go of all of the stuff in my head, I released thoughts, I could almost feel a total sense of freedom from control.  I remember paying attention to my breathing and nothing else like it was just yesterday.  I was humbled before what I can only describe as God.  I felt peace and love like I had not before.


I remember those brief moments when I can let it all go and they are full of so much joy.  Then I read articles on being humbled before God and just cannot imagine myself being in that place (eventhough  I have been there.)  So why is that?


I like control.  I like control.  I like control.  I can accept this.  It is good to have control over your actions and thoughts and feelings.  It is good to have a plan and priorities and stick to them.  BUT... and this is a big one, I am not in control.  I do not have control.  There is a song that goes through my head sometimes when I remember that I am not in control by Steven Curtis Chapman --
 ~God is God and I am Not~

And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know
And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God
And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass
Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things
So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone


In life, we get caught in this power struggle so often.  In many situations there are too many chiefs.... too many leaders.  What I needed to be reminded hourly is that God is in control of my life.  I must let go of my need and desire for power and give power to whom it belongs, God.  


(now I just need to remember that and repeat it about a million more times before it might actually sink in).