And then there are times you have to submit to your limitations

This morning was great.  I volunteered with Bountiful Baskets.  I took home some FABULOUS veggies and fruits.  I also got 10 pounds of asparagus.  I was in heaven.  I got my haircut and then went to lunch with the family. 

On the way home, I got lightheaded.  Pollen in San Antonio is unreal right now which constantly wreaks  havoc on my life.  I have always had moments of lightheadedness.  It comes with the allergic territory.  This was unlike anything I had felt before. 

So, off to the doctor we went because this was unreal.  Every slight movement made my head spin more.  Vertigo.  That is no fun whatsoever.  Also inner ear infection and allergic rhinitis. 

I had plans to do some additional cardio and arm exercises tonight.  I was looking forward to that. 

Now I have bought myself a trip to the sick couch for the time being.

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”Matthew 11:28-30

Many times I want to do all and be all and never give in to anything.  There are times that kicks me in the butt and back into reality.  Rest is good. Rest renews.  Apparently, I need rest and that is ok. 

So last night, my workout partner, Zoe, decided we needed to try the machine that I have dreaded the thought of since the day I started working out a gym again.  I have always been intrigued with it.  I always wondered if it was really hard.  I am not adverse to the thought of stair climbers, but this machine is different.  

First off, there is no graceful way for someone to climb on to this monstrous beast.  Really, it just always looked daunting.  But, I accepted the challenge.  The laughter and ridicule could not have been too horrible but I was still skeptical.  Up, I climbed.  

It is really scarier than it looks.  (at least the getting on it part)  So, I climbed on set it at level 2 for 10 minutes.  I really thought I could only do 5 but I was going to try.  It was easier than it looked.  Level 2 was very conservative but I am not in the best shape and did not want to fall off.  After 2 minutes, I knew this needed to be in my workout regimen weekly. At 10 minutes, I climbed 20 flights of stairs and realized that I could do all things, just had to have faith to try.  

So there you have it.  In life, we conquer things that seem very scary.  We don't want to step out in faith because we would never want others to judge us.  We want to always be on top.  Our fears should never be driven by uncertainty.  Even Peter doubted.  He stepped out of the boat to Jesus and doubted.  He began to sink and then grabbed Jesus hand.  What if he had never even gotten out of the boat?

So Far this week:

Bike: 26 miles (over 3 workouts)

Stairs of Doom: 10 minutes and 20 flights

Weights: 2 days total body

Goals:  Look for ways to intensify my arm workouts and ab workouts.  Conquer the treadmill.  

If you would like to be included in my prayers during cardio workouts, please send me a message and let me know or email me with specific prayer requests at mariesa@ctk-uc.org

and now we run...

On Ash Wednesday this year, I set out on a journey.  It was a journey that I fully did not think I could complete.  It was a challenge that I chose to accept because it meant enough to me to try.  I set out to run a mile (which turned into also biking a mile) for each and every person on my prayer list.  Many people are constantly in my prayers, others wanted to be included as a way of supporting my journey.

I prayed for several weeks on what all my goal would include.  Lent is a very private and personal thing for me, so to put my Lenten Journey out there was difficult.  Also, I did not want to fail.  What if I could not complete the miles?  What if WAY too many people wanted prayers and I could not do it?  I had so many doubts.  But, I did it.  I asked for people's names on Facebook (as most of them are very near and dear to me).

This was not a journey to lose weight.  I will be honest and upfront right now and say that, yes I need to lose weight.  I am not blind to that.  I am more interested in my health, my well being and the realization that at age 36, I never want to have to back down from any challenge and want to be fit enough to do so.

By Ash Wednesday, my goals were set -- 85 miles.  Wow, that seemed like an unattainable goal.

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The Journey Begins.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.  1 Corinthians 9:24

Some translations use the word victorious in place of prize.  I prefer victory because that makes each prize very different.  The first couple weeks were great.  I fulfilled my weekly goals and was totally focused.  I added a goal as I went of acknowledging to the people that I was praying for them.  It was not necessary but just made the whole experience more personal.  I wanted to make this Lenten Journey not about me, not about my health, but about my overall relationship with God through my prayer life and my respect for my body in health.  

I had challenges.  We all do.  There were 2 weeks that  I did not reach my goal.  I knew that would make my overall goal more difficult which caused me great guilt.  I also realized at times eliptical training was not an option and that intense biking could still help me reach my goal.  This again brought in guilt because I was not giving equal prayer time to all.  (I really self sabotage myself way more than I should.)

As the weeks progressed, I found my prayers becoming more intense thoughout the day and my focus on other people becoming more important than I ever thought possible.  I wanted to check in and see how people were, I wanted to know what they wanted prayers for.  

By the Saturday before Easter, I had 15 miles remaining.  These 15 miles were on top of lots of Easter preparations, lots of things that had to get done, but nothing was more important to me than being victorious.  

I did it.  As the bike reached 15.0, I really felt an overwhelming sense of emotion that I had made it.  I tasted victory.  It was not as I had originally intended but I pushed on toward my prize and ultimately my deeper focus on others, myself and MOST importantly my relationship with God.  

And now my journey continues.  My story is not over.  My fitness goals are even greater.  I definitely am going to continue the prayers for others.  (You never know when you might get a note or letter).  God is not done with me yet.  I plan on keeping my eye on the ultimate victory of a fabulous relationship with God.  

AMEN

Pentimentos

Thoughts.  Experiences.  Feelings.  All of these things have led me lately to look at what I show the world on the outside and what lies below the surface.  This morning as I drank my morning coffee I looked at this painting.

This was a painting that I started several years ago when I was taking Painting at Kankakee Community College.  I had set out to do a series on Texas landscapes.  I wanted to start with Big Bend.  You may be thinking that this painting looks nothing like "The Window" and is actually watermelons.  

Here is my $5 word for the day pentimento.  The week of final critique in my Painting course, I revisited these mountains that I so desperately hated.  I did not like the way the work had turned out.  It was very frustrating.  I had worked that year on a series of fruit and these mountains quickly became watermelons.  The painting is oil on a 24X36 canvas.  While there are still parts that are unfinished in my eyes, as a whole, the painting met my needs at the time.  

Most would never know that a pentimento existed below the surface of the watermelons.  The mountain range did not matter or have purpose like the watermelons did.  (I also have pears, apples, bananas and strawberries.)

So what then does this have to do with thoughts, feelings and experiences.  Each of us has a past.  Most memories that exist are ones we learn from and move on.  Many memories we look back on fondly, while others we wish would just stay covered from the outside world by another layer of paint.  If you look really closely at my watermelon painting, you can see that there was something painted in the background.  You can't really tell what it is but you know that it is there.  The same can be said of our lives.  While the outside painting is what we want the world to see, often below the surface, a much different painting exists.  We don't want the world to see it but, at times, glimpses of that other side my appear.  

Many of our pentimentos are beautiful.  They reveal a beauty with in that is not often observed or understood.  Many of our pentimentos often reveal a broken, frustrated and confused side.  It is a side that we want to hide, we don't want to deal with.  

It is all about perception.  People will always see what they see and form opinions from what is on the outside.  They may wonder what is within but are often not willing or able to look a little closer.  We show ourselves totally "put together" but just beneath the surface may tell a whole other story.  

Are you really serving with conditions?

I have been a bad blogger.  More directly though, I have been a bad follower of God (since my blog is a major part of my devotion time.)  I am also supposed to be posting my sermon as promised from Sunday for those Rock N Roll marathon congregation people.  (I will do that tonight).  For now, I need to rant a bit.

Serving Neighbors Near and Far -- This is a statement in our Vision Statement at Christ the King Lutheran Church.  For Youth Ministry, I try to answer this with service projects both locally, statewide and globally.  Focusing our attention equally where we can.  There is always something that somebody does not want to do.  If I had my choice I would never pick up my aging dog's poop because it is gross.  The poor 12 year old dog is loosing control of when he can go and has never been good at alerting us of his bathroom needs.

Poop is gross, but sometimes you have to clean up poop.  The same can be said about when we go out and serve in the community.  If I sign us up to go help out an aging member of the congregation to help her rake leaves in her back yard or sign up to go downtown and work with the homeless, some of the jobs won't be pretty.  It may even involve some poop.

Recently, I have been told by some that they don't like serving at this one particular place because it is too hard.  We don't want to do all that is required of us.  We ONLY signed up to do this aspect of the serving.  We don't want to do that.  You know what people.... sometimes you have to clean up poop.  Sometimes you have to do the unmentionable jobs.  Heck, sometimes you have to get a little dirty.  We are not called to "Serve Neighbors Near and Far" by only doing the jobs we WANT to do in service.  Serving at any particular organization involves all areas, not just the pretty ones.

Sometimes you have to pick up the poop.

Blocked

I have been very lacks on my blog for the past couple months.  This bothers me.  Then I began to realize that I have been creatively blocked for awhile.  Knitting is boring, blogging is not happening, even drawing has ceased.  This is starting to bug me.

As I started analyzing this today, I was working on the church website.  It is fun to design new pages and look for new ways to creatively advertise the worship of our church.  What I began to realize was that just like all of the other creative things in my life, that too was a chore today.  In 4 hours, I have created and deleted 10 pages. I actually published 4 of them and updated a couple, but the real meat that needed to get done just was not happening.

Upon further looking at my creative block, I realize that in the past couple months I have been going through the motions.  I am very happy with my life but have been coasting.  My relationship with my Savior has been coasting as well.  I would not say that I am in a rut but if I do not make some changes soon, I will be there.  I don't like that.

We do that.  We get comfortable in the day to day routine and moving from one thing to the other.  The difficult turn is to say, "Self.  You will make the changes that need to be made.  You will spend time in the Word.  You will do SOMETHING creative daily."

So, my plan:
                Begin my day intentionally with God.
                Do something creative every day (no exceptions)
                Step out of my own comfort.
                Spend time daily in the Word.

Moving

It has been a while since I last blogged.  I truly hate that but there have been lots of changes going on and my life has been disheveled in many ways.  (mostly all good).

As most of you know by now this past week Jody, Cade and I moved.  It has been a long time coming and a very good thing.  Our previous 2 moves were because of job changes.  Those moves were across country (Texas to Illinois and Illinois to Texas).  While they were very necessary and brought with them some interesting lessons, this move has really brought some interesting thoughts and feelings.  Most of these, I am still analyzing but many you can understand why they hit me.

• I have way too much stuff.  As much as I have tried to not be a stuff-centric person, I still have way too much.  
• Along with that stuff problem, after 5 years, you begin to find stuff you haven't seen in 5 years.  Processing all of that stuff and deciding its necessity is not always easy.  
• Our move was a little faster than anticipated.  We had some friends help us move and did it on their schedule which meant we did not get to go through everything and just packed and moved.  Now that we are unpacking, we are realizing junk and good stuff and have lots to throw away / donate.  
• It doesn't happen overnight.  As much as I would have liked to pack up/move/ unpack and be all back to normal -- that ain't gonna happen.  It is not realistic.  You begin to look at priorities of the move and look a little harder at what is important.  
• Family is important.  During the move, Pepito got loose.  In 20 minutes, we chased Pepito and had Houdini locked in the car.  Cade was sitting on our front porch alone.  It was scary.  It was a new neighborhood and there was lots of uncertainties.  You start to realize how important safety and security is for everyone.  The loss of control and craziness makes you appreciate even more the safety you find within your home.  
• You fully appreciate the people who are willing to help you.  We had so many people offer assistance in packing and moving.  It was wonderful.  We did not even get to use all of the people that volunteered.  It really makes you feel loved.  

There are so many more things to be learned from this move.  Many more are discovered daily.  I have grown to appreciate my grandmother more.  She is probably sitting in heaven and laughing at me because I want our old house spotless before we hand over the keys.  I am beginning to spot every little blemish and want to fix it.  I know it is not possible.  I have to let go of that control.  

Yesterday we also learned a valuable lesson in - when everything is going right, things can still go wrong.  We are in the final stages of cleaning and moved a chair downstairs to clean the fan.  It slipped from Jody's grasp and fell through the window at the bottom of the stairs.  As much as making that phone call and paying for that glass fix truly sucked, it again made me realize that all of this is temporary.  Stuff is stuff.  Money is replacable.  All will come out in the end.  That is not an easy lesson but one that needed to be had.