Can you blog about nothing?

I have been having major blog block lately.  I am not sure why.... not sure what it means, but just really un inspired.  This bums me out a bit because reading back through my blogs usually sparks new interest about something I want to explore.

So, I remember in some English class or Creative Writing class or maybe it was in my own head -- being told to just start writing.  When I would paint, I would pull colors from magazines and collage them.  The final paintings would never look like the little glued pieces of paper, but, the inspiration was there and would take me through a piece of art.  But how can that work for my blog...

The picture is my last piece of art that I painted with oil before I got pregnant.  It hangs in my office.  The piece was never completed.  It was a piece that was not part of the series I had been working on that semester and was just really an experimentation in glazing, floating of color and oily squishiness.  To look back at it now, it is the only oil painting I never titled.  I guess that is probably because I never finished it.  The thing is -- it will never be finished because I am a different person now.

So, oddly having this piece that is untitled is uncomfortable to me.  There are different lines of thought on titling art and I am really not the person to debate that one way or the other.  For me, so much of my art that I have completed, has me in it.  My thoughts and feelings and perspective are all bottled up in that art.  It is only right and correct in my mind that I should title my pieces.  Even now, when I complete knitting projects, I HAVE to have a title for most of them.

What does this all have to do with not having inspiration to blog?  Am I just a rambling idiot?  No... at least I hope not.  This piece of art that is unnamed is symbolic of other things in my life that are not inspiring me.... at least temporarily.  The piece is imperfect, parts of it are really unfinished.  It has paper collaged to it that was not secured properly.  In life we are imperfect.  There will always be parts of me that are resolved but not finished.  There will always be parts of me that I don't like, but I am beautiful.  Others see inspiration that I cannot imagine.

A blog about nothing?  Not really I guess, but exploring my own need for creativity and inspiration -- I guess.

Trying week and Crisis Prayer

So most of you are aware of my flood issue.  We woke up Saturday morning at 5 am to find a pipe had busted in our upstairs bathroom.  By the time we found it, there was 2 inches of water upstairs and at least 2 inches of water downstairs.  It was BAD.  After a frantic call to our maintenance person (we rent), a trip to church to grab the shop vac and dehumidifier, and lots of wet nasty mess we have headed this week through a very yucky road to hell and back.

I don't want to get into all the gory details of dealing with landlords, water, ruined belongings and just not fun stuff but more how it has changed me... or will hopefully change me.

I am a drama queen.  I take things way too personally and overdramatize situations.  We all do this to a certain extreme.  Bizarrely, I have kept a level head since early Saturday morning.  It is very overwhelming.  It is very disconcerting to have the problem not really being taken care of by the people that should be taking care of it.  Lots of anger, lots of frustration and lots of uncertainty.

Currently I am working on increasing the quantity but more so the quality of my relationship with God through prayers and devotions.  When emergencies like this happen in your life, your prayers change drastically.  We find in our lives that we are so much more open to God when we are crying out to Him- Oh God help me! God I need you now! God, give me strength to get thru this disgusting mess!  Often our prayer life greatly increases when we "need" God most.  But don't we always need God?  Don't we always need God's strength and support?

This crazy week of disasters has led me to several truths in my own life --

God is there for me. -- In the midst of all this, I see glimpses of God's grace encircling and holding me.  It is often not easy or explainable but God's love is in the midst of this and all things.

I have so many people that love me.  -- On Tuesday I snapped and yelled at my mother.  She was giving me some bit of advice that I was not in the mood to listen to right then.  MANY people have given me "advice" throughout this mess.  As much as I want to be left alone, everybody puts their .02 in.  I love everybody for it.  I love that EVERYBODY loves me and my family to want to help.  I love that everybody wants to make sure I do not leave anything out so that I come on top.  In those times, when we think we want to be left alone, that is often when we most need to know that someone cares.
Also in that people loving me, I happened thru church on Monday and was given a card "to add sparkle to my day."  In it was a gift card to Gattis.  It was totally unnecessary, but that simple gesture was so welcomed and appreciated.  Words cannot express how that made me feel inside.

This leads me to my third truth -- blessings and gratitude.  I have so so much to be thankful for.  I am blessed by a family who even through some tense moments this week, we will come out of this stronger than ever.  I am grateful to those who have helped with fans and leads on dealing with our water.  It is a blessing that we did not lose much in the way of personal belongings.  The flood happened in such a way that only minimal personal stuff was damaged (the house however got serious damage).  I am blessed that no one was injured.  We are sure to have some faulty wiring in the fixtures that were affected by the water.  Thankfully these have not blown.  Our upstairs is VERY soggy.  Thankfully that has not caused injury.

Mostly, I have learned that in all I do, God surrounds me with all that I need.  God provides me strength to get through the trying times.  God provides me friends to love and support me.

It is truly an awesome feeling in the midst of chaos.  AMEN!

Here is a little taste of the water damage.  This is under the sink that had the broken flex line.

Comfort -- rest -- peace

I talked a bit about comfort as in relation to my dogs a few days ago.  They are so funny and just precious when they sleep.  That was just the tip of the iceberg though when it comes to comfort.

Comfort, as the dictionary defines means to soothe, console, or reassure; bring cheer to.  


It all got me thinking -- what brings me comfort?  Cade nursed for the first year of his life.  I still remember every morning the wonderful peace of mother-child bonding.  It may sound a little strange, but really it is quite sweet -- when Cade is cuddly and I have a sleeveless shirt on, Cade buries his nose on the bare skin of the front part of my shoulder.  I think in a creepy way that brings back memories of nursing.  


Children often have that special binkie, stuffie, blankie -- that item that is their security.  They know they are safe and secure as long as they have that item.  My sister had Paul R Bear.  It was this ratty, nasty looking white teddy bear that went EVERYWHERE with her.  She probably still has it somewhere because she never threw anything away.  


Then there is comfort food.  There is that food that reminds you of when you were a kid or reminds you of that favorite memory.  I don't know if I have a comfort food really.  I have foods that bring back memories, but I don't know that food really makes me comforted.  I have foods that I eat when I am stressed -- potato chips and chips and salsa.  


So, why do we have all of these things that comfort us?  As children, we find safety and security in our binkies.  Cade has fond memories of the smell of my skin (as weird as that may sound).  And, people have those foods that make them comfortable like meatloaf, chicken fried steak.  These are the foods that remind of safe happier times maybe.  


SO... are you comfortable?   Interesting thought.

Figuring out who I am

I know who I am.  I guess that is an important first statement.  I have always known what I believed in and what mattered most to me in the world.  That part I am sure of.  So why then would I write a blog on "figuring out who I am?"

For the past year and a half, I have learned alot about myself, I think.  Not on a professional level...  but a bit there too.  Not on a marital, familial level... but I guess it all fits together.

Do you ever feel like you just aren't doing something right like something is missing or going differently than you expected?  Do you ever feel like if you could just do _________ whole worlds might open up and you would be better for it?  I guess that is where I have been for a long time.

A year ago last January is pretty much when I started searching.  I started realizing there was something missing or not complete.  And you know what it was.... the spiritual side of my life.  The part of me that has an open and loving relationship with God who has given me EVERYTHING I could ever need or want in the world was almost non existent.

That is really sad if you think about it.  On the outside I looked like I had it all together.  I am not sure I was always practicing what I preached.  I am not sure I was ever getting EVERYTHING out of God and God out of me that was needed for a thriving relationship.

I think all of this really became apparent to me when I started blogging.  I was taking the steps openly and pretty much in front of anyone who reads my blogs.  Some would say this is not the best idea but I really disagree.  When I started putting the thoughts on the computer screen, and now looking back through them, it really made me aware that I was not fully taking in this open relationship with God.

Then I started a knitting project in late January.  I can now talk more about it because the recipient, Steve, has received it.  I completed a meditation blanket.  Knitting has taught me to relax, taught me to recognize the beauty in mistakes.  This particular venture into knitting taught me new skills (i have never knitted in a circle before).  It taught me about patience.  I don't do patience well.  I am definitely a part of the generation that likes instant gratification.  I learned to be quiet.  I am not quiet.  I like noise.  As I got farther into this project and realized what all of it was meaning to me, I was able to release so much noise.  My conversations with God were taken to a whole new level.  I didn't worry about the stress of whatever had gone on outside of my bubble and could release it.  That was awesome.

Even more, during this knitting project, I was able to talk to people about the project.  I was able to express what the circle knitting meant, how it was a centering process for me as well as what the end product would be.  I was able to share with people my understanding and talents in knitting.  Many people had seen small projects I had completed but with this one they were able to see a passion that even I had not seen before.

And as I said, this project taught me to accept imperfections and mistakes.  Somewhere in the blanket is a hole that is not supposed to be there.  I must have picked up a ladder in between stitches which created a yarn over and a hole.  For you non knitters - it is possible to have fixed this hole.  I was not confident enough and did not want to mess anything else up to fix the hole.  As I travelled around the blanket -- each time I got to the hole, it daunted me.  It glared at me and reminded me it was there.  It was chastising me almost because I knew that meant the blanket was imperfect.  As I got around about the 5th time seeing that hole, I realized this was another step in my understanding of my spirituality.  The hole represented my imperfections.  I don't accept them well.  I want everything to be perfect and go well.  I want everything to flow just like it is supposed to.  I was able to "release" the holes of imperfection.  I accepted that hole in the blanket as well as the holes in my own life and most importantly --I am ok with imperfections.

All of my life is a spiritual journey.  All of my life of course is full of twists and turns, uncertainties and certainties.  My prayer life is no different.  It is all a process.  Each little thing we go through in life that takes us down different paths and leads to bumps in the road makes us better people.

That is a beautiful thing.

As I was taking a nap earlier today, Pepito and I were cuddling on the couch (my newest dog for those who have not followed closely).  As I lay there just relaxing,  I was thinking about what I could possibly blog about.  About that time, Pepito moaned this cute little dog sigh.  He was letting me know he had found his comfort place and not to move him.

I have had dogs almost all of my life.  When I was 3, I got a pekingese named Cricket.  Cricket found comfort usually on the cold tile floor in our entry way.  He had a ton of hair and was always really hot.  That was "his" place.

Prissy -- she was my sister's beagle.  I will never forget going camping with Prissy.  We had barely had her a month or 2 and went to visit my grandparents at their motorhome.  My dad and I slept in the tent (my sister was young and got scared and went into the motorhome.  Prissy was in the tent with us.  When I woke up the next morning, we couldn't find Prissy.  Then I felt the funniest (creepiest) thing in the world.  Nestled at the bottom of my sleeping bag was Prissy.  She had burrowed down there because she got cold.
Prissy spent most of her nights sleeping under the covers on my mother's butt or feet.  She was comfortable (even if no one else was).

Then there was Sticky.  Sticky was with us only a short time (3 years).  I remember taking a nap on the recliner one afternoon.  When I woke up, all 50 pounds of Golden retriever/Cocker mix dog was laying across me.  (large dogs don't understand that they are large).

Muffin was never a cuddler.  She had her place that made her comfortable but really was just happy with being anywhere.  Houdini -- well, all 70 pounds of him LOVES to be in laps, but really he is happy just taking up the whole couch.

I think dogs can teach us alot about comfort sometimes.  So often in life, we worry too much about the little things.  We get so caught up in the stupidness of life.  I think dogs have the right idea.  Pepito has a way of giving me that look.  It is as if he is saying, "Look Mom!  I know you have work to do, but I have to have some time to relax and your lap is the only place for me."  How could I resist that?

And, when he is all relaxed and dreaming whatever little puppies dream, I just can't help but wonder if dogs understand peace better than any human could. 

Completion

Knitting is a funny thing,  You start with yarn, needles, perhaps stitch markers.  Most of the time, you start with a pattern but occasionally you just wing it.  No matter how big or small the project, this is how it starts.

I knit small projects.  My attention span is short, VERY short.  I get bored with things easily.  Because of this, I like to knit small things so I can kinda fulfill that instant gratification need.

My first knitting project, a scarf, took me about a year to complete.  I got bored with it.  I moved.  I just wasn't that "in" to knitting.  My shortest project was probably about a week.  My mother always laughs that I usually take the longest to make things for her.  Her Christmas gift for the last 2 years have still been on the needles on Christmas morning.

The funny thing is the more I get into knitting, the more I realize that alot of my knitting is more about the process than the completion.  Deadlines rarely work for me.  I don't stick to them, EVER.

Currently, I have 3 WIP (works in progress for the knitting muggles).  I have countless projects I want to start (in my head).  I just finished one I had been working on.

As I cast off my project last night, I was relieved.  Often, when knitting, you have no idea what the ending project will look like when it is finished.  I wanted to see the "bigger" picture for a long time while working on this project, but it was not going to happen.

I cast off 900 stitches (that is a ton of stitches).  As I cast off, I thought about what that releasing yarn meant to the project.  I thought about the letting go prayers my Spiritual Director has had me focus on lately.  I thought about the process of this piece that has taught me about patience and perseverence.  It still amazes me that this particular experience has heightened my understanding of peace and prayer.  Quiet flowing of stitches   that were each wrapped in prayer.

Through the stitches and the needles I came to understand the process of knitting.  I understood how some people spend years on one project still enjoying and loving it.

-- but, I have to say that finishing it was really cool too :)

  

Cade leaves home

Last night, we rented a movie, Alvin - The Squeakel.  There is a part where Theodore leaves home to find his relatives.  He writes a note to Alvin and Simon telling them to not look for him in the zoo.

After the movie, Cade wrote a note and told us he had to go find Dillon and Madison and not to look for him at the zoo.  (Oh the imagination starts)

This morning we got up, cooked sausage for church and were getting ready for the day.  Cade AGAIN gave us the note and said he had to go get Dillon and Madison (his cousins BTW).  He kissed us about 15 times each and kept telling us not to worry, he would be back soon.  From the pictures, you can tell he had on a tshirt, boxers a pair of slipper socks, sandals, his winter hat and his winter coat.  With him, he took his magnadoodle that he had drawn a map on, a hammer??, a drink and a snack.

It got hilarious very very fast.  He was going to call a taxi to get him there.  Dillon and Madison live about 17 hours away in Gallup New Mexico.  He tried to go out the front door, but remembered that Mommy said he shouldn't EVER open the front door.  He was going to take Pepito with him but figured that it would be difficult to get there with Pepitos food and toys.  He told us that we could take care of Pepito while he was gone and play lots of fun games with him.

As time went on, about an hour, he was more and more adamant and certain that HE WAS GOING TO GO whether we liked it or not.   He told us that we shouldn't "throw sad things while he was gone."  I decided I should ask what that meant.  He said, "That's like FITS and temper tantrums and crying alot."  (WOW, he really thought this out.)  I was trying at this point to not laugh through the tears as he was REALLY REALLY serious.

At this point, he headed into the garage and tried to open the door.  I laughed to Jody that I was going to be a little frightened if he figured out how to open the door.  He gave up and decided to go out the backyard way. (We keep the gate locked).   He was SERIOUS about this and I knew that he was not going to just give this up.

So, I devised a plan.  I decided I would let him go and see what he did.  IT WAS HILARIOUS.  He got to the mailbox in the front yard and yelled for a taxi.  He looked up and down the street to see if one was coming.  This frustrated him.  I suggested that he should start walking and see if he could find one.  (I, of course stayed 15 ft behind him at all times.)  The whole time he kept looking back to make sure I was there but hoping I wasn't.

We got to the street crossing.  I yelled up and reminded him that he couldn't cross the street without Mommy and Daddy.  He ran back and grabbed my hand so we could cross the street.  (still not giving up).  After 2 more street crossings, he decided he was thirsty.  I opened his drink because he couldn't.  I told him that when we got to the end of the sidewalk, he was going to have to go by himself because I had to get home and get stuff done.  He was fine with that.

We got to the end of the sidewalk, he kissed me goodbye and started walking.  (Of course, I still followed.)  He decided to start reason with me that I should come with him.  I told him I had to go to work for Easter and that Daddy would miss me.  He said, "Daddy will be ok.  He has Pepito."  I texted Jody at this point to come get us, realizing Cade was beginning to give up.

I said, bye bye and waved.  I turned and he ran after me.  I told him I would follow him til Daddy came.  He was ok with that.

Finally Daddy drove up.  I started to get in the car and Cade freaked.  "No, no no, I will come home.  I don't want to walk to Dillon and Madison's anymore."  We got in the car and came home.

As far as imaginations go, I think Cade has one in triplicate.  He had the whole plan schemed out.  He told me he had a GPS in his foot so he would know how to get there.

I have to say the whole thing kinda scares me in an incredibly funny way.  He is only 4 and was incredibly imaginative in figuring this all out.  Who knows what he will come up with when he has the means to do what he wants to do.