and now we run...

On Ash Wednesday this year, I set out on a journey.  It was a journey that I fully did not think I could complete.  It was a challenge that I chose to accept because it meant enough to me to try.  I set out to run a mile (which turned into also biking a mile) for each and every person on my prayer list.  Many people are constantly in my prayers, others wanted to be included as a way of supporting my journey.

I prayed for several weeks on what all my goal would include.  Lent is a very private and personal thing for me, so to put my Lenten Journey out there was difficult.  Also, I did not want to fail.  What if I could not complete the miles?  What if WAY too many people wanted prayers and I could not do it?  I had so many doubts.  But, I did it.  I asked for people's names on Facebook (as most of them are very near and dear to me).

This was not a journey to lose weight.  I will be honest and upfront right now and say that, yes I need to lose weight.  I am not blind to that.  I am more interested in my health, my well being and the realization that at age 36, I never want to have to back down from any challenge and want to be fit enough to do so.

By Ash Wednesday, my goals were set -- 85 miles.  Wow, that seemed like an unattainable goal.

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The Journey Begins.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.  1 Corinthians 9:24

Some translations use the word victorious in place of prize.  I prefer victory because that makes each prize very different.  The first couple weeks were great.  I fulfilled my weekly goals and was totally focused.  I added a goal as I went of acknowledging to the people that I was praying for them.  It was not necessary but just made the whole experience more personal.  I wanted to make this Lenten Journey not about me, not about my health, but about my overall relationship with God through my prayer life and my respect for my body in health.  

I had challenges.  We all do.  There were 2 weeks that  I did not reach my goal.  I knew that would make my overall goal more difficult which caused me great guilt.  I also realized at times eliptical training was not an option and that intense biking could still help me reach my goal.  This again brought in guilt because I was not giving equal prayer time to all.  (I really self sabotage myself way more than I should.)

As the weeks progressed, I found my prayers becoming more intense thoughout the day and my focus on other people becoming more important than I ever thought possible.  I wanted to check in and see how people were, I wanted to know what they wanted prayers for.  

By the Saturday before Easter, I had 15 miles remaining.  These 15 miles were on top of lots of Easter preparations, lots of things that had to get done, but nothing was more important to me than being victorious.  

I did it.  As the bike reached 15.0, I really felt an overwhelming sense of emotion that I had made it.  I tasted victory.  It was not as I had originally intended but I pushed on toward my prize and ultimately my deeper focus on others, myself and MOST importantly my relationship with God.  

And now my journey continues.  My story is not over.  My fitness goals are even greater.  I definitely am going to continue the prayers for others.  (You never know when you might get a note or letter).  God is not done with me yet.  I plan on keeping my eye on the ultimate victory of a fabulous relationship with God.  

AMEN

Pentimentos

Thoughts.  Experiences.  Feelings.  All of these things have led me lately to look at what I show the world on the outside and what lies below the surface.  This morning as I drank my morning coffee I looked at this painting.

This was a painting that I started several years ago when I was taking Painting at Kankakee Community College.  I had set out to do a series on Texas landscapes.  I wanted to start with Big Bend.  You may be thinking that this painting looks nothing like "The Window" and is actually watermelons.  

Here is my $5 word for the day pentimento.  The week of final critique in my Painting course, I revisited these mountains that I so desperately hated.  I did not like the way the work had turned out.  It was very frustrating.  I had worked that year on a series of fruit and these mountains quickly became watermelons.  The painting is oil on a 24X36 canvas.  While there are still parts that are unfinished in my eyes, as a whole, the painting met my needs at the time.  

Most would never know that a pentimento existed below the surface of the watermelons.  The mountain range did not matter or have purpose like the watermelons did.  (I also have pears, apples, bananas and strawberries.)

So what then does this have to do with thoughts, feelings and experiences.  Each of us has a past.  Most memories that exist are ones we learn from and move on.  Many memories we look back on fondly, while others we wish would just stay covered from the outside world by another layer of paint.  If you look really closely at my watermelon painting, you can see that there was something painted in the background.  You can't really tell what it is but you know that it is there.  The same can be said of our lives.  While the outside painting is what we want the world to see, often below the surface, a much different painting exists.  We don't want the world to see it but, at times, glimpses of that other side my appear.  

Many of our pentimentos are beautiful.  They reveal a beauty with in that is not often observed or understood.  Many of our pentimentos often reveal a broken, frustrated and confused side.  It is a side that we want to hide, we don't want to deal with.  

It is all about perception.  People will always see what they see and form opinions from what is on the outside.  They may wonder what is within but are often not willing or able to look a little closer.  We show ourselves totally "put together" but just beneath the surface may tell a whole other story.  

Are you really serving with conditions?

I have been a bad blogger.  More directly though, I have been a bad follower of God (since my blog is a major part of my devotion time.)  I am also supposed to be posting my sermon as promised from Sunday for those Rock N Roll marathon congregation people.  (I will do that tonight).  For now, I need to rant a bit.

Serving Neighbors Near and Far -- This is a statement in our Vision Statement at Christ the King Lutheran Church.  For Youth Ministry, I try to answer this with service projects both locally, statewide and globally.  Focusing our attention equally where we can.  There is always something that somebody does not want to do.  If I had my choice I would never pick up my aging dog's poop because it is gross.  The poor 12 year old dog is loosing control of when he can go and has never been good at alerting us of his bathroom needs.

Poop is gross, but sometimes you have to clean up poop.  The same can be said about when we go out and serve in the community.  If I sign us up to go help out an aging member of the congregation to help her rake leaves in her back yard or sign up to go downtown and work with the homeless, some of the jobs won't be pretty.  It may even involve some poop.

Recently, I have been told by some that they don't like serving at this one particular place because it is too hard.  We don't want to do all that is required of us.  We ONLY signed up to do this aspect of the serving.  We don't want to do that.  You know what people.... sometimes you have to clean up poop.  Sometimes you have to do the unmentionable jobs.  Heck, sometimes you have to get a little dirty.  We are not called to "Serve Neighbors Near and Far" by only doing the jobs we WANT to do in service.  Serving at any particular organization involves all areas, not just the pretty ones.

Sometimes you have to pick up the poop.

Blocked

I have been very lacks on my blog for the past couple months.  This bothers me.  Then I began to realize that I have been creatively blocked for awhile.  Knitting is boring, blogging is not happening, even drawing has ceased.  This is starting to bug me.

As I started analyzing this today, I was working on the church website.  It is fun to design new pages and look for new ways to creatively advertise the worship of our church.  What I began to realize was that just like all of the other creative things in my life, that too was a chore today.  In 4 hours, I have created and deleted 10 pages. I actually published 4 of them and updated a couple, but the real meat that needed to get done just was not happening.

Upon further looking at my creative block, I realize that in the past couple months I have been going through the motions.  I am very happy with my life but have been coasting.  My relationship with my Savior has been coasting as well.  I would not say that I am in a rut but if I do not make some changes soon, I will be there.  I don't like that.

We do that.  We get comfortable in the day to day routine and moving from one thing to the other.  The difficult turn is to say, "Self.  You will make the changes that need to be made.  You will spend time in the Word.  You will do SOMETHING creative daily."

So, my plan:
                Begin my day intentionally with God.
                Do something creative every day (no exceptions)
                Step out of my own comfort.
                Spend time daily in the Word.

Moving

It has been a while since I last blogged.  I truly hate that but there have been lots of changes going on and my life has been disheveled in many ways.  (mostly all good).

As most of you know by now this past week Jody, Cade and I moved.  It has been a long time coming and a very good thing.  Our previous 2 moves were because of job changes.  Those moves were across country (Texas to Illinois and Illinois to Texas).  While they were very necessary and brought with them some interesting lessons, this move has really brought some interesting thoughts and feelings.  Most of these, I am still analyzing but many you can understand why they hit me.

• I have way too much stuff.  As much as I have tried to not be a stuff-centric person, I still have way too much.  
• Along with that stuff problem, after 5 years, you begin to find stuff you haven't seen in 5 years.  Processing all of that stuff and deciding its necessity is not always easy.  
• Our move was a little faster than anticipated.  We had some friends help us move and did it on their schedule which meant we did not get to go through everything and just packed and moved.  Now that we are unpacking, we are realizing junk and good stuff and have lots to throw away / donate.  
• It doesn't happen overnight.  As much as I would have liked to pack up/move/ unpack and be all back to normal -- that ain't gonna happen.  It is not realistic.  You begin to look at priorities of the move and look a little harder at what is important.  
• Family is important.  During the move, Pepito got loose.  In 20 minutes, we chased Pepito and had Houdini locked in the car.  Cade was sitting on our front porch alone.  It was scary.  It was a new neighborhood and there was lots of uncertainties.  You start to realize how important safety and security is for everyone.  The loss of control and craziness makes you appreciate even more the safety you find within your home.  
• You fully appreciate the people who are willing to help you.  We had so many people offer assistance in packing and moving.  It was wonderful.  We did not even get to use all of the people that volunteered.  It really makes you feel loved.  

There are so many more things to be learned from this move.  Many more are discovered daily.  I have grown to appreciate my grandmother more.  She is probably sitting in heaven and laughing at me because I want our old house spotless before we hand over the keys.  I am beginning to spot every little blemish and want to fix it.  I know it is not possible.  I have to let go of that control.  

Yesterday we also learned a valuable lesson in - when everything is going right, things can still go wrong.  We are in the final stages of cleaning and moved a chair downstairs to clean the fan.  It slipped from Jody's grasp and fell through the window at the bottom of the stairs.  As much as making that phone call and paying for that glass fix truly sucked, it again made me realize that all of this is temporary.  Stuff is stuff.  Money is replacable.  All will come out in the end.  That is not an easy lesson but one that needed to be had.  

Memories are really neat things

It has been quite awhile since I blogged.  This could be blamed on many things but mostly just my laziness.

The Christmas season was again a beautiful one.  One of the things that really began to hit home this year with me was traditions.  Traditions were never a big part of my family's celebrating.  We were a small family.  Christmases were usually small and did not include more than 8 people and were really homey.

So, when starting to talk to Cade about important "Christmas" things that we did EVERY year, I really had to think for a bit.  Our "important" stuff started just after Thanksgiving.  My family didn't have a fancy tree.  We did not have ornaments and a color scheme that all matched.  Instead, my family Christmas tree included ornaments from my childhood, my sister, and then special ornaments to my parents.  Each year, putting up ornaments was like walking through the past.  I have angels on my tree from before I was born.  I have all of my ornaments from when my grandmother china painted.  Each of these ornaments is very special to me.

When Jody and I first got together, we bought a yearly ornament.  We tried for a couple years to do a more "theme" tree because they are very pretty, but we went back to "our" tree.  The sad part is Jody doesn't have ornaments from his childhood and that "specialness."  That makes me sad.  I realize every family has their own stories and traditions but I still wish Jody had some of his childhood ornaments.

Cade has gotten ornaments every year since he was born.  We try and get him ones that have to do with whatever he is currently interested in.  This year was a Charlie Brown ornament and also a robot ornament.

This morning we took our tree down.  Jody could not believe that I had a history with almost every ornament on our tree.  I remember when I got them, where I got them, how I got them and/or who gave them to me.  That is a special thing to me.  I can stop and think about that time in my life, say a prayer for that person or simply share a memory of something involving that ornament.  Jody started challenging me to see if I really knew something about all of them and I did.  It was kinda funny but really it just brought that sentimentality and specialness of Christmas ornaments for me.

Peace to all.

Pass the Bread Basket Please

This is the sermon I gave this morning.  I told a couple people I would post it this afternoon.

So, pass the bread basket.

This morning 30 thousand runners are starting the Rock n Roll Marathon in downtown San Antonio. In fact several from our church are among them including: Jennifer Feutz and Grant Lopez. These runners have been training for months in hopes of making their personal goal and to benefit Susan G Komen breast cancer. Training regimens are a big part of the runners getting to where they are. One major part of their training iscarb loading. They strategically load themselves with carbs to train their bodies to more effectively use the energy from carbs. Before big runs and marathons, they feast on meals with bread and pasta to get ready for the next day.

Bread. It is something we all enjoy. We sit down at restaurants to bread baskets. We munch on bread waiting for the meal to come. Even in this morning's Gospel, Jesus talks about bread. To put you in the place of this morning's Gospel let's move back to just before today's reading. Jesus performs the miracle of the feeding of the 5000. Jesus fills the bellies of these people and they are amazed. They search him out and when they locate him again are looking for more. Jesus quickly reminds the people that he is there for more than just providing the physical needs of their bellies. Jesus is not here to provide us with a physical meal. Jesus shares with them the story of God providing Manna through Moses in the desert. When the Israelites did not recognize the physical bread that God had given them to eat so also the people with Jesus would not recognize the spiritual bread that God would provide through Jesus. What the people with Jesus that day did not recognized was their that the hunger he came to feed was not gut hunger. Their hunger could not be filled by an all you can eat fish and bread meal. They were spiritually hungry.

What does it mean to be spiritually hungry? Spiritual hunger is a longing to be in the presence of God. We long to search for our meaning and long to reach out to God. We look for experiences that will bring us to that place. Being spiritually fed can happen in many different ways. Many times we don't understand it but when we do recognize it we sit in the presence of God.

And this brings us to this morning's Thank offering worship time. As Christians we are to give thanks for the blessings that we have received. We are to share those blessings with others with our whole heart. We are to give out of the love that God has given us.

Giving is something we often take for granted. When it comes to spiritual bread, many time[s] our giving is like filling ourselves with physical bread and not focusing on the spiritual part of our giving. We give out of convenience, we give because the time of the year is right. Many times we give out of our need to feel good. Some have said to “Give til it hurts” but that really has no meaning for us. Giving more of ourselves and giving til it hurts means that we write a bigger check, we give a little bit more.

Over my 10 years in ministry, I have had the opportunity many times to search out what I spiritually hungered for. I remember in the first year taking a group of high school youth to Hope House. These high school youth really just thought they were buying Christmas gifts for some underprivileged teens. Hope house is a teen mother halfway house in Hopkins Park Illinois. Hopkins Park is one of the poorest communities in the nation with half the population living under the poverty line. One of my teens was paired up with a 16 year old who wanted a real Barbie doll. The girl was confused and thought it was a little weird but she bought her a Barbie doll. When the time came for the Christmas gathering, she sat and heard the story. Her family was poor and they had always done the best to provide the best life possible for her. Most of her toys were from thrift stores and dollar stores. She had seen the commercials of little girls getting Barbie dolls and wanted to experience that happiness if only for a little while. What should have been just a simple gift became a meaningful connection between these two girls. Nicole left the experience realizing that she was very grateful to live in privilege. What was a simple Barbie doll had a great meaning that far outweighed anything we could have imagined.

Many times Youth Ministries participates in the same, if not very similar service projects year after year.  These service projects benefit people around San Antonio and Texas and help the youth to understand helping others.  What I sometimes overlook is that I can fall in a rut of not challenging myself as a Christian to take something different away.  We find as Christians that we help the same people and give to the same charities because we get behind “their cause.”  All of these “same” projects are beneficial but when we step out and try something new and step out and do something a little different, we can again be reminded that we are not just “tasting bread” but understanding that we are spiritually hungry for the “true bread from heaven” which helps us to understand what “give til it hurts” really means.

In September, the Confirmation and High School youth and I had a new “serving experience.”  We signed up to do service hours at San Antonio Food bank.  If you have never been there, it is an awe inspiring facility.  The day we went we were assigned to their “Senior Care Division.”  We had no idea what that meant really.  We were taken with another group of volunteers to a conveyor belt.  For the next 3 hours we would be packing boxes of food that would travel around South Texas.  They would be given to seniors.  They would last 2 weeks.  They were packed with items such as cereal, canned veggies, meat and fruit, canned milk, 2 different juices, beans, rice and other assorted items tightly packed in this box.  During those 3 hours of hard labor, we packed almost 1000 of these boxes.  970 bottles of grape juice passed through my hands.  My feet hurt, my back hurt, my body was rejecting the thought of moving.  It was hard work.  It was difficult in that time to see the joy and blessings that we were experiencing.  We just wanted it to be done with.  Afterwards, we reflected.  We understood that service projects were not all fun and games.  We understood that we were not only serving the people that would get these boxes but also the countless employees and volunteers who make the food bank happen.  Even though the service we had done hurt, we still could better appreciate what it took to make sure the underprivileged of South Texas could get food they so desperately needed.  I remember going to church the next morning in pain.  I remember thinking there is no way I will ever have them do this service project again because it is too hard.  Then I realized that giving hurts sometimes.  

Jesus is the bread of life. [He becomes bread for us by taking on human flesh and giving his life for us] This bread is not about the empty calories that we often fill ourselves with. This bread is not about giving without thought and feeling. [It comes to us by the grace of God] Just like the runners in this morning's marathon, if we do not use our bread effectively it will not fuel our bodies. If the runners do not eat and train in the correct way, the bread they eat is just empty calories. We shouldn't load ourselves with feel good things and empty calories. We as Christians should take heart in what our giving does and why we do it.

Many times we fall [back] into the laundry list of donations and charities we support. We have a list of places we give time to and list of places where we serve. By adding more to the list we are not “giving til it hurts,” we are not truly enjoying the bread from heaven. Having an understanding of the things that we take for granted and the blessings that we have helps us to fill ourselves with the true bread of life.

And this is where we find ourselves. Because we have been created in the image of God we hunger for something more. We hunger for something greater. That spiritual hunger for the “true bread from heaven” helps us to understand what “give til it hurts” really means. We begin to give, serve and live our Christian lives with a new found heart that has empathy for others, does not take for granted our blessings and serves not because we have to or should but because we are serving others for the Glory of God.