I am a fan of Glee. You could say it is one of my guilty pleasures. A couple months ago, Jody bought me one of the soundtracks. It has a song from Wicked musical, Defying Gravity.
The song has become very relevant recently. The first verse REALLY hits the nail on the head:
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
I am a people pleaser. I exist to make people happy. I feel accomplished by constantly fixing things. There has come a point this year especially, that I realize this is not healthy for me. It is not always easy to deny but it is a major change in who I am. I have usually sacrificed so much of me to keep the rest of the world happy. This is not a good thing.
Admitting this to myself is a huge step. Even more than this step, I am slowly realizing that I can not always fix things. I can't make everyone like me. I can't even make everyone happy.
That sucks. The ego part of me wants to fix it. The ego part of me wants to do what the ego part does.
This is truly a leap of faith for me. Coming to a place within myself, within who I truly am that can say, I am not always in control of fixing things is scary. It is a daily learning for me.
But why do we do this? Why do we come to a point where we are sacrificing our needs to make other people happy? I wish I had the answer. I wish there was an easy fix. I spend daily time in prayer to better understand why I need to change in this.
What I currently know is that
1. God is in control. God is and will always be God and I am not.
2. I can't make everyone happy.
3. I can't always fix things.
and that is ok
It's time to try defying gravity. Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity. I think I'll try defying gravity and you won't bring me down.
It's about alot more than green tea. Spiritual journeys are funny things. God comes to you in ways you never would have imagined and dwells in that place. This is my journey for health, prayer and happiness.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
It was HOT today
Ok, this summer has not been a hot one as a whole. Texas has had a mild summer which is definitely a welcomed change in the grand scheme of things. This afternoon, I stood outside and sorted through somebody from church's stuff that they were getting rid of. I was in the garage for about 2 hours and it was HOT. By the time I got home I was very thirsty. I drank about half a gallon of water. I could not drink fast enough.
Thirst is a funny thing. Often times when we find ourselves thirsty, we grab the closest thing possible. I am not sure it always quenches our thirst.
I just started a book about thirst. It is not thirst like you quench with liquid. It is a thirst for God. We all thirst for something. We all find a void that must be filled with something.
Too often in my life, I have filled that void with the wrong things. Too often I have found whatever I am filling that void with does not quench my thirst. Sometimes it even does the contrary. Many times whatever we "fill" our thirst will make us thirstier.
For the past few months, I have found myself parched. I am not sure I understood it. I am not sure I wanted to even admit it. Admitting that you are not as close as you want to be with God is disheartening. Jesus tells of the Samaritan woman at the well. Jesus says that he provides the water to quench her thirst. She says well give it to me so I don't have to keep coming back to the well everyday.
We want the easy answer. We want the thirst to be filled instantly. We of course don't want to work to quench that thirst. All we have to do is drink some Gatorade, right?
The thing I constantly need to be reminded of is that my thirst needs to be quenched daily. Daily I return to God to spend time in God's presence. Daily I am reminded that that time truly fills me.
AMEN
Thirst is a funny thing. Often times when we find ourselves thirsty, we grab the closest thing possible. I am not sure it always quenches our thirst.
I just started a book about thirst. It is not thirst like you quench with liquid. It is a thirst for God. We all thirst for something. We all find a void that must be filled with something.
Too often in my life, I have filled that void with the wrong things. Too often I have found whatever I am filling that void with does not quench my thirst. Sometimes it even does the contrary. Many times whatever we "fill" our thirst will make us thirstier.
For the past few months, I have found myself parched. I am not sure I understood it. I am not sure I wanted to even admit it. Admitting that you are not as close as you want to be with God is disheartening. Jesus tells of the Samaritan woman at the well. Jesus says that he provides the water to quench her thirst. She says well give it to me so I don't have to keep coming back to the well everyday.
We want the easy answer. We want the thirst to be filled instantly. We of course don't want to work to quench that thirst. All we have to do is drink some Gatorade, right?
The thing I constantly need to be reminded of is that my thirst needs to be quenched daily. Daily I return to God to spend time in God's presence. Daily I am reminded that that time truly fills me.
AMEN
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Appearances are funny things
I just returned from an awesome week at camp. Most weeks that I get to get away from the world and have bonding time with my youth groups are awesome, really but this one was even better.
Ebert Ranch is a phenomenal place. It is a camp unlike alot that I have been to in that it is small (only 50 campers or so). They focus alot of their activities around "ranch life" and the different elements that go into that lifestyle. Campers spend time with horses, feed chickens, tend to a garden and even get to see longhorns.
I have to admit the first time I met Big, Ruff, Tuff and Peaches I was taken aback. It is not often that you get to see longhorns from so close. I am sure the longhorns have an interesting purpose at camp, but to the campers, they are just there for photo op moments.
There is a lot of history to where Tuff currently is that I don't want to get wrong. Shortened version -- a Herford bull managed to find its way on to Ebert's site and joined the herd. They had no idea where it came from but it was there. Dinner (yes that was the affectionate name for him) fought Tuff for leadership roll in the herd and consequently Tuff now has one horn.
This is where appearances come in.
When we drove onto site, we saw a horn lying by the stable and wondered where it had come from. Tuff was not with the other longhorns as he had been recuperating in one of the horse fields for a few days. Tuff looked funny. He was jokingly called the unihorn. He was a bit lop sided.
Tuff rejoined the herd and regained his place. The other longhorns didn't look at him as if something was wrong. The other longhorns didn't laugh. Maybe they were in their language, but OBVIOUSLY Tuff now looks very different. Tuff is not the same longhorn he was 3 weeks ago.
It really made me consider how I view appearance and how I view weakness. So much of life, we worry how others will see us and view us. It is always interesting to watch junior high girls freaking out the first day of camp because they don't have their straightener. That is the end of the world. Also, watching the big tough junior high guys that by the end of the week are singing silly songs and dancing silly dances. Camp gives kids the opportunities to not worry about appearances, shedding all the supposed masks that we put on around others.
And weaknesses...as a whole, we don't want others to see us as weak. We put on this armor of strength. We build ourselves up as strong individuals that will never crack and definitely will never fail. The thing is, many times, we get broken down to our weakest and most vulnerable. We don't let others see that.
Tuff showed me a whole new way of the world this last week. Even in the midst of adversity, in the essence of weakness, while carrying a burden (that made a 35 pound difference), Tuff rejoined the herd. Now yes, I realize that cows don't do things the way we do them. I know we our own worst enemy.
Tuff will never be the same longhorn. So what. Tuff may be the brunt of many jokes for many years. Tuff may always look a little lopsided. They may even make Ebert Ranch games around Tuff (pin the horn on the longhorn). Tuff has a pretty heavy load to bear. Each of those horns probably weighs 35 pounds. That is 35 pounds worth of burden.
Through all of my weaknesses and failures, through all of my adversities, may I be able to hold my head high and not fall.
AMEN
Tuff before
Ebert Ranch is a phenomenal place. It is a camp unlike alot that I have been to in that it is small (only 50 campers or so). They focus alot of their activities around "ranch life" and the different elements that go into that lifestyle. Campers spend time with horses, feed chickens, tend to a garden and even get to see longhorns.
I have to admit the first time I met Big, Ruff, Tuff and Peaches I was taken aback. It is not often that you get to see longhorns from so close. I am sure the longhorns have an interesting purpose at camp, but to the campers, they are just there for photo op moments.
There is a lot of history to where Tuff currently is that I don't want to get wrong. Shortened version -- a Herford bull managed to find its way on to Ebert's site and joined the herd. They had no idea where it came from but it was there. Dinner (yes that was the affectionate name for him) fought Tuff for leadership roll in the herd and consequently Tuff now has one horn.
This is where appearances come in.
When we drove onto site, we saw a horn lying by the stable and wondered where it had come from. Tuff was not with the other longhorns as he had been recuperating in one of the horse fields for a few days. Tuff looked funny. He was jokingly called the unihorn. He was a bit lop sided.
Tuff rejoined the herd and regained his place. The other longhorns didn't look at him as if something was wrong. The other longhorns didn't laugh. Maybe they were in their language, but OBVIOUSLY Tuff now looks very different. Tuff is not the same longhorn he was 3 weeks ago.
It really made me consider how I view appearance and how I view weakness. So much of life, we worry how others will see us and view us. It is always interesting to watch junior high girls freaking out the first day of camp because they don't have their straightener. That is the end of the world. Also, watching the big tough junior high guys that by the end of the week are singing silly songs and dancing silly dances. Camp gives kids the opportunities to not worry about appearances, shedding all the supposed masks that we put on around others.
And weaknesses...as a whole, we don't want others to see us as weak. We put on this armor of strength. We build ourselves up as strong individuals that will never crack and definitely will never fail. The thing is, many times, we get broken down to our weakest and most vulnerable. We don't let others see that.
Tuff showed me a whole new way of the world this last week. Even in the midst of adversity, in the essence of weakness, while carrying a burden (that made a 35 pound difference), Tuff rejoined the herd. Now yes, I realize that cows don't do things the way we do them. I know we our own worst enemy.
Tuff will never be the same longhorn. So what. Tuff may be the brunt of many jokes for many years. Tuff may always look a little lopsided. They may even make Ebert Ranch games around Tuff (pin the horn on the longhorn). Tuff has a pretty heavy load to bear. Each of those horns probably weighs 35 pounds. That is 35 pounds worth of burden.
Through all of my weaknesses and failures, through all of my adversities, may I be able to hold my head high and not fall.
AMEN
Tuff before
Tuff Now
Monday, July 19, 2010
The big dipper
It seems so silly now. I always loved constellations. I usually could never find them but I loved to just stare at the stars and hope the shapes would just appear to me.
As I have said, many many times, I have always loved camp. I have always felt so much of God's presence at camp and love the opportunity to share that love with other kids even now. During camp, as I got older, they started asking questions like "When was the first time you saw God active in your life?" That was a funny question for me and one that I could never quite come up with an answer.
I grew up around God. Church was always more for me than going on Sunday morning. I don't know if I always knew it but I did. But how could I have answered that question?
One night, when I was a Staff in Training YEARS ago, we sat on the upper deck of the chapel just quietly reflecting the day and looking up at the stars. The question I could not always answer was asked, "When was the first time you saw God active in your life?"
That is when it happened. I looked up at the big dipper and saw it for the first time. I had probably seen it millions of times before but there it was. This feeling of utter peace that I cannot express came over me and I knew my answer. I have always known that God was active in my life but actually seeing it, I just had to open my eyes. I had to be open to it.
Millions of times since that night, I have found myself in need of peace. If I am able, I go outside and find the big dipper. Except I usually don't have to look for it. My eyes sometimes know right where to go and immediately, I find peace.
As I sat at Ebert, last night at our first evening worship, I again found myself gazing at stars. Sure enough, I looked up and there was the big dipper. After the crazy week that I had last week that was what I needed. I needed that peace, that reminder that God is there. I don't necessarily have to look for the peace but when I am ready to receive it, it is there.
AMEN
As I have said, many many times, I have always loved camp. I have always felt so much of God's presence at camp and love the opportunity to share that love with other kids even now. During camp, as I got older, they started asking questions like "When was the first time you saw God active in your life?" That was a funny question for me and one that I could never quite come up with an answer.
I grew up around God. Church was always more for me than going on Sunday morning. I don't know if I always knew it but I did. But how could I have answered that question?
One night, when I was a Staff in Training YEARS ago, we sat on the upper deck of the chapel just quietly reflecting the day and looking up at the stars. The question I could not always answer was asked, "When was the first time you saw God active in your life?"
That is when it happened. I looked up at the big dipper and saw it for the first time. I had probably seen it millions of times before but there it was. This feeling of utter peace that I cannot express came over me and I knew my answer. I have always known that God was active in my life but actually seeing it, I just had to open my eyes. I had to be open to it.
Millions of times since that night, I have found myself in need of peace. If I am able, I go outside and find the big dipper. Except I usually don't have to look for it. My eyes sometimes know right where to go and immediately, I find peace.
As I sat at Ebert, last night at our first evening worship, I again found myself gazing at stars. Sure enough, I looked up and there was the big dipper. After the crazy week that I had last week that was what I needed. I needed that peace, that reminder that God is there. I don't necessarily have to look for the peace but when I am ready to receive it, it is there.
AMEN
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Those silly socks
Ok... so today's blog might not be spiritually based. Actually, they all end up relating to something in my spiritual life. Stick with me.
The big joke with my knitting friends is that I am ANTI-sock. I know how to knit socks. I love knitting with sock yarn. Hand knitted socks are ABSOLUTELY yummy feeling. I don't knit socks.
I know how to knit socks with dpns. I know how to knit socks in magic loop. I think I understand toe up socks but have never tried a pattern. (non-knitting friends -- just smile and nod at Mariesa's weirdness).
Here I sit needing to cast on for a new project. I have tons of options. What do I want to knit? Socks.
I have this really cool rainbow striped yarn that I got about a month ago. I can imagine NOTHING but socks out of this yarn. They are begging to be socks. (Yes, my husband does worry about me talking to my yarn).
And here comes the spiritual part (you knew it was coming.) Life is funny. We like our comfort. We like to do what we know.
Socks for me are a commitment. You commit to a sock pattern and go clear through the sock pattern only to have to do the pattern over again for sock 2. Socks, for me, are a break out of my free flowing knitting world into a structured product. If I don't follow the pattern, the formula it won't work. They won't fit.
For awhile now, I have been working on my time with God. I have been focusing on it in many different ways. The great thing about God time is that unlike making socks -- I can't mess God time up unless I don't do it. It is a definite commitment like socks and the end product is wonderful.
So... I guess the anti- sock knitter will really make a pair of socks.
God help me now!!!
The big joke with my knitting friends is that I am ANTI-sock. I know how to knit socks. I love knitting with sock yarn. Hand knitted socks are ABSOLUTELY yummy feeling. I don't knit socks.
I know how to knit socks with dpns. I know how to knit socks in magic loop. I think I understand toe up socks but have never tried a pattern. (non-knitting friends -- just smile and nod at Mariesa's weirdness).
Here I sit needing to cast on for a new project. I have tons of options. What do I want to knit? Socks.
I have this really cool rainbow striped yarn that I got about a month ago. I can imagine NOTHING but socks out of this yarn. They are begging to be socks. (Yes, my husband does worry about me talking to my yarn).
And here comes the spiritual part (you knew it was coming.) Life is funny. We like our comfort. We like to do what we know.
Socks for me are a commitment. You commit to a sock pattern and go clear through the sock pattern only to have to do the pattern over again for sock 2. Socks, for me, are a break out of my free flowing knitting world into a structured product. If I don't follow the pattern, the formula it won't work. They won't fit.
For awhile now, I have been working on my time with God. I have been focusing on it in many different ways. The great thing about God time is that unlike making socks -- I can't mess God time up unless I don't do it. It is a definite commitment like socks and the end product is wonderful.
So... I guess the anti- sock knitter will really make a pair of socks.
God help me now!!!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Time... or lack there of
Time is a funny thing. In this world of overscheduled over achievers, we don't think we have a lot of time.
I get many reactions to my knitting. I think people are drawn to people doing stuff with their hands. The funniest reaction I normally get is, "Oh I would never have enough time to do that." "Wow, you must have a lot of free time." Those who know me best, know that is definitely not the case. The fact is that I am a multi tasker -- it comes with my ADD -- and I can knit while doing other things. But, I also make time for it.
The same comes when spending time in prayer. "Oh, I can't commit to that much time in prayer." "I got busy and forgot." " I had other things to do and didn't have the time." I have made all these excuses. I will probably make all these excuses again a million times in the course of my life. Or, even a better excuse -- "I had more important things to do."
If anyone looks at the course of their day, really looks at it, they will see a whole lot of idle time. There are times where we find ourselves randomly checking useless websites. There are times where we watch a rerun of Reba for the 300th time (yes, I am guilty). There are times where we just lay in bed and are too lazy to get up or too lazy to think anything concrete.
This morning I woke up at 6 am. I tossed and turned for 10 minutes refusing to believe that I could not go back to sleep. I realized Cade and Jody would be in bed for at least 30 more minutes so I decided it was time to pray. I make this time for myself everyday. Sometimes it is sadly only 10 minutes before I get interruption. BUT, I always make the time. I found my comfy spot on the couch and started reading the book from my Spiritual Director.
This is the point where God reminded me of this time thing. The chapter was on Mary and Martha. Mary sat in the presence of Jesus. She gave all she had to Jesus. This frustrated Martha. Martha knew that there were things that had to get done and yet Mary just sat there. I began to remember the little people wondering how I could have time to knit. I began to remember all of my excuses for why I don't make time to pray or spend time in God's presence.
There are times in our lives where we would like to believe that we have it all together. We want to believe we are on the right path and doing ALL the right steps to get there. The fact is... I will NEVER have it all together. I will always fall off the path. But, I will look for God in all of those instances. I will search and find God in the depths of my screwed up life and rest in that peace.
AMEN
I get many reactions to my knitting. I think people are drawn to people doing stuff with their hands. The funniest reaction I normally get is, "Oh I would never have enough time to do that." "Wow, you must have a lot of free time." Those who know me best, know that is definitely not the case. The fact is that I am a multi tasker -- it comes with my ADD -- and I can knit while doing other things. But, I also make time for it.
The same comes when spending time in prayer. "Oh, I can't commit to that much time in prayer." "I got busy and forgot." " I had other things to do and didn't have the time." I have made all these excuses. I will probably make all these excuses again a million times in the course of my life. Or, even a better excuse -- "I had more important things to do."
If anyone looks at the course of their day, really looks at it, they will see a whole lot of idle time. There are times where we find ourselves randomly checking useless websites. There are times where we watch a rerun of Reba for the 300th time (yes, I am guilty). There are times where we just lay in bed and are too lazy to get up or too lazy to think anything concrete.
This morning I woke up at 6 am. I tossed and turned for 10 minutes refusing to believe that I could not go back to sleep. I realized Cade and Jody would be in bed for at least 30 more minutes so I decided it was time to pray. I make this time for myself everyday. Sometimes it is sadly only 10 minutes before I get interruption. BUT, I always make the time. I found my comfy spot on the couch and started reading the book from my Spiritual Director.
This is the point where God reminded me of this time thing. The chapter was on Mary and Martha. Mary sat in the presence of Jesus. She gave all she had to Jesus. This frustrated Martha. Martha knew that there were things that had to get done and yet Mary just sat there. I began to remember the little people wondering how I could have time to knit. I began to remember all of my excuses for why I don't make time to pray or spend time in God's presence.
There are times in our lives where we would like to believe that we have it all together. We want to believe we are on the right path and doing ALL the right steps to get there. The fact is... I will NEVER have it all together. I will always fall off the path. But, I will look for God in all of those instances. I will search and find God in the depths of my screwed up life and rest in that peace.
AMEN
Friday, July 2, 2010
Marked by the cross of Christ
So, I just returned from Disciple Project. Youth trips always refresh and renew me. This year was no exception. I am in a stage of discovery with my ministry... a place where I am really seeing where my ministry could be potentially heading. This excites and terrifies me at the same time (I have to be honest.) It is a strange thing when things come clear.
On Wednesday night, my track did tattoos. I got to doodle on people's hands and arms in henna which was kinda fun. Several things I discovered that night and throughout the week.
I know this is not a profound discovery and it is something I really always knew but it is good to be reminded.
Each person that I come in contact with has a different story. In this time and space, people want to share their stories. It was interesting watching all of the different people who wanted to copy the henna that the person before them had. Some were very instistent on specific ideas and thoughts they wanted to show on their arms.
There was also face painting. People were painting a little bit of everything, all expressing who they were... sharing their stories.
Each of us has a mark... each has a similarity that is not visible. We are marked as God's children. In Baptism we are marked with the cross of Christ. It is not something visible and each person's may be a little different in experience, but it is yet another way that we can share our story.... share a piece of who we are.
The week was great. The time with my kids was great and taught me a little deeper about them. My understanding of my ministry and my understanding of who I am as God's child grew a little bit more this week.
On Wednesday night, my track did tattoos. I got to doodle on people's hands and arms in henna which was kinda fun. Several things I discovered that night and throughout the week.
I know this is not a profound discovery and it is something I really always knew but it is good to be reminded.
Each person that I come in contact with has a different story. In this time and space, people want to share their stories. It was interesting watching all of the different people who wanted to copy the henna that the person before them had. Some were very instistent on specific ideas and thoughts they wanted to show on their arms.
There was also face painting. People were painting a little bit of everything, all expressing who they were... sharing their stories.
Each of us has a mark... each has a similarity that is not visible. We are marked as God's children. In Baptism we are marked with the cross of Christ. It is not something visible and each person's may be a little different in experience, but it is yet another way that we can share our story.... share a piece of who we are.
The week was great. The time with my kids was great and taught me a little deeper about them. My understanding of my ministry and my understanding of who I am as God's child grew a little bit more this week.
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